Starting to see things in color...

"That's the story of my life, right there in black and white...a pictures worth a thousand words, but you can't see what those shades of grey keep covered, you should've seen it in color..."

The story of my life, feels as though it's always being re-written. New chapters before the previous one has finished. New characters as the hours pass, hell completely unsure if there will even be an ending. The constant though is the love I have for my babies & my family and the amazement I have for the lows that some can sink to. I always think there is NO WAY...and holy shit, there it did! I guess that's what makes it "life" But I'll tell you what, the first two...is something that will never change. That's something that is never ending...those are the parts of the story I'll always go back to re-read and attempt to relive. Yes my imagination is that good. I can hear the laughter, smell the things around me, see it all as if it was on a big screen playing to those music in my head.

Saying that my emotions are on over drive would be a true understatement at this point. More like completely out of control, I'd like to pat myself on the back though...as I have found it within myself to handle things in a new way. Although others would like to give themselves credit for it all, credit actually goes to the smallest piece of me others hardly know about. I almost want to apologize for my feelings but that's just it...I shouldn't have to. I won't.

I keep thinking back on the last year or so, the emotional times that literally took the breath out of me and the people I've lost because of the spiteful, disrespectful, ugliness that could not be contained. I can't help but shake my head...feel sick to my stomach and tear up. Leaving my heart wide open thinking I'll get back what I put out only to see it's not true for everyone I come in contact with. I didn't lose faith in everyone, I do know that there are good people around me with true hearts and I can't express enough how thankful I am for that. Feeling completely drained and completely alive...did you know it was possible to feel them both at the same time? I didn't either, til today. I gotta admit it's nice but makes me so dizzy. Kind of the morning after a great night with friends :)

Over the last couple of weeks I've been doing a lot of soul searching. I've been avoiding a lot of "good times" and thinking hard on whats to come. I know what's ahead of me isn't exactly clear but it's ok. I proceed down the path I've chosen knowing who I can trust and who will support me along the way. There may be unexpected turns and road blocks but with their love and support I'll get through it with very few scrapes and bruises (hopefully) :) It's funny how it all came about...honestly I'm not sure that the two people who messaged me even know the amount of courage they gave me with their words. I hope they don't mind my sharing.

"P.S. I LOVE READING YOUR POST'S. YOUR A STRONG WOMAN AND SOMETIMES YOU REMIND ME THAT I AM TOO."

at the end of a message, that I still have saved :) She is in fact a strong woman herself...very proud mama of 2 beautiful babies. It may not be much to some but to me it was probably the best thing I could have heard.

"Wow, to be able to tell that story in that manner. I'm sure having
gone through so much that you are in fact fearless." from a perfect stranger who read something that I wrote.

Honestly I figured that those I shared with would provide their 2 cents...but a stranger? and something like this? That was awesome...I have his messaged saved too. Small reminders, if others can see this in me...I have to remember that its there and lives in me...and giving in to the ugliness is NO LONGER AN OPTION! It doesn't matter who it's coming from, how many years are invested, or the links that tie us together. It is not an option.

I think ill try defying gravity...

" Something has changed within me Something is not the same I'm through with playing by the rules Of someone else's game Too late for second-guessing Too late to go back to sleep It's time to trust my instincts Close my eyes: and leap..."

At the risk of sounding like an asshole, I've realized my time to "leap" has come. When i find its best to sit in silence, than open my mouth and take a chance of hearing more than i care to hear its time to do my own thing. More often then not i find myself second guessing myself and going off of what others insist is best for me, only to find out it wasn't. Then I'm left back tracking and picking up the pieces doing it all over again.

This time around i have to do things my way...well mine and his =} who we are "together" or not is nobody's business. What we plan to do is our business...how we plan to live our lives matters to only us. I feel judging eyes, and hear certain whispers and can't help but wonder why? Then it hits, it doesn't matter why, its your thing...your issue. Say what you feel think what you must and enjoy your life. I need no excuse or explanation. If you're not happy or cant be apart of my life without judgement i ask you to please take a walk.

I'm doing things for myself and for my children. If that doesn't suit you i dunno what to tell you. Please respect my wishes and understand that i do love and appreciate my family and friends more than anything...but this life is mine to live.
I'm not angry, hurt, broken, sad...i don't need to be fixed or counseled or see a doctor. I'm actually in a very good place at the moment and have a pretty decent guy at my side. I'm making plans for my future and ask that you send me some good vibes and wish me well. But i definitely understand if its not possible...and i wish YOU the very best.

My choice to walk away...

My choice to walk away has nothing to do with the way that I feel about you. Matter of fact I love and care about you more than you will probably every know. My choice to walk is because I love myself, and refuse to let anyone take advantage any longer. Please understand that I do not regret knowing you or the time that was spent together...I will always have songs that make me think of you and smiles for the silliness and odds are I will have times that I even miss you. Its just this new position I find myself in...I have to do whats best for me. Surely, YOU can appreciate that.

Im sad that things went this far and things have to be this way now...but honestly more sad and disappointed in the chances I gave you to be open & honest and you couldn't do it. I gave you more than one, I called on you, asked for you, needed you... and you couldn't be the same person. Always happy and willing to accept what I was handing out, but never found when it was I who was in need. Things just don't work that way in the real world. Maybe in yours, but in time you will find yourself alone. I for one...like to know that those around me are true. Although I dont doubt for one second that you do care about me...I am no longer in a position to give, and because of that you have gone silent.

The person in me that doesn't like to give up on those I care about wants so much to hold on and be there for each call or text...but the same person is admitting the hurt and anger that comes from your lack of faith in me. I do see it all...I just choose not to call you out on it. Which then, angers me. Why would you choose to lie to me over and over? Why would you sit and let me help you knowing full well you ARE taking advantage? You know I think thats what bothers me most. Better for me to not have these flip flop feelings about you, and just walk away.

Seeing the Valentines from my daughter, made me realize...with her love is unconditional. Regardless of what I give her or where I take her she loves me no matter what. I have a good handful of people in my life not including my family who are the same. This is what I want in life...from those I care about. After all its what I give to you.

I love you and care what happens to you in life...I will always care. Im just doin it from a distance now. Wish you well. <3

(if you or anyone else decides to take a minute to read this, I ask that you understand names are withheld for a reason, and yes...I said nameS. Multiples)

youre fueling my fire...

"You don't know how strong my weakness is..."

More often than not I am underestimated. I know that I have clearly had my days, where judgement may have been off or my head was definitely in my ass...but shit who doesnt have those days? I know that my physical & mental strength are questioned, and thats ok. For some it comes from a place of love & honest concern and for that I thank you. I appreciate your concern for my family and for myself, it means a lot that you care and I truly do thank you. For others though, its...?? its what? I dont want to sound like an ass and say being a "hater" but what else do you call it? Watching and waiting to see me fall on my face? Well I have news for you, those of you who are sitting and waiting for that shoe to drop...I have fallen on my face and I picked my ass back up and kept going. I will probably fall again too, and like the times before I will pick myself up and keep going. Because thats what I was taught to do.

Every day I struggle with things in life. Shit not going the way I want...unexpected things that throw me off path and toss my life into a whirlwind of mess. "I'll be ok, shit will work itself out" has become a true motto in my life. One way or another I manage to always get things back to a place where I am ok. Help from friends and family no doubt, their love and support always carry me through. This time of year has easily become a rough time for me and others around me. The time that has passed has not lessened the pain. I still come to tears when certain songs play and see certain things that instantly bring her to mind. Lately its been dreams of those whove left...my dad included. So much is going on in my head that at times, I want to just shut it all off. Turn everyone away and say not now. I cant help you today, I cant listen, I cant offer you any help or advice...how can I when Im probably more fucked up than you? haha if you only knew some of the shit that truly goes through my head! Very few know me well enough, and with good reason.

Don't underestimate what I am or who I will become. I have a fire in me that burns hotter than anyone will ever understand. Its constantly fueled by those around me. Good and bad all the same. I keep it with me and it keeps me going. My love is alive and strong. Ive told myself to hide or hold it in and have realized I dont have to anymore...its out there. If Ive told you that I love you...its because its real, and I mean it. Never doubt that.

Tired of that feeling of having to keep my thoughts & feelings quiet. My heart is no longer "under lock and key..." the lock however is smaller and the "key" well...I its out there...but very close to my heart...if youre ever able to face me and look into my eyes you will see apart of me that has been waiting to show you the truth. In due time...or not at all...and Im ok with that.

Te dejo con un cachito de mi corazon...

"me gustan tus labios...cuando tu me besas, y si estas lejos de mi yo se que me extranas. Amor... la forma en que me tocas con amor...pero lo siento en me, la forma en que me amas..."

Drained...

Its just been on my mind...

Page after page, rant after rant...i sit lost in thought. I see whats being written and hear whats being said, but honestly its all a bit muffled by silence.

Its something ive caught on to over the past couple of years. Thanks to the position I held at my job, I was able to see on more than one occasion how loud a silent person could scream. With those screams still very fresh in my mind...i listen for new sounds, rarely able to drown out the ones that constantly replay in my head. Til now.

Its so easy to get caught up in whats going on around you. So easy to forget there are people around you in your daily life that may be going through some of the hardest days in their lives, silently crying out. I can honestly say, even with the family and friends I have around me always supporting me there are times that ive actually still felt alone. Its not a good feeling...as a 33 year old woman. Im not sure id be able to deal with it being alone, literally without family by your side.

Ive spent the last couple of days with several people on my mind. Ive felt a bundle of mixed emotions for them. The pain & sorrow they struggle with makes me want to reach out any way I can...trying to help or at least stand by as they deal with whatever is going on. Silently crying my own tears...

Im taken back to a place where I feel horrible for not being a better friend. Not being able to offer more...or not seeing sooner, that you needed an ear or a hug. Truth of the matter is ive been needing an ear and a hug too. Just havent been so quick to admit it. Til now. I deal with things in an odd way. I let it all build up and continue to say im ok ill be fine while its wearing me out and making me so tired I cant see strait. Then break. Fall apart, lose myself in tears and emotions I brewed for too long. Pick myself back up...and knock shit out of the way again. Head on, full force...the only way I know how. Some people though, dont know how or cant pick back up as fast or as often as I do. Or think I do.

Ive started taking a closer look at those around me, those who truly mean something to me...and have realized a lot of them are silently crying to. I know people are busy and have their own lives and their own bullshit to deal with on a daily basis...and I dont judge anyone for doing what they gotta do handling their business, but dont ever underestimate the power of your words. Your hugs or "good thoughts just because". Even if they arent willing to accept what youve put out there...its an amazing feeling to know somebody has you in their thoughts just becuase.

Things may not be as id like them to be at the moment...but "im alive...and thats good enough for me."

Heres to the first...and the new love of your life...

"when your heart is full of doubt, and you think theres no way out...you find your faith has been lost and shaken you take back whats been taken...get on your knees and dig down deep, you can do what you think is impossible, keep on believe and don't give in, it'll come and make you whole again...it always will it always does, love is unstoppable..."

Where it comes from isn't really important, as long as its real. Today was one for the books, my patience, trust, energies...everything, was tested and pushed to the limit. As much as I wanted to I didn't cry...today I wasn't giving in. even after slamming my foot in the car door and smacking myself in the face with my cell phone. I had the love and support of great friends who helped keep me sane...looked at pictures of my silly kids, and heard my son say I was the first love of his life. Even if he may have only been saying it cuz he was guilty and or wanted something, it reminded me of what I have, that I should be thankful, and I had to push through it.

Emotionally I am drained, but I have faith in the positive things that are stirring. Its weird how some people come into your life, like they were always meant to be there. Instantly making you want to grab hold so they dont leave...its just that damn good. Without falling head over heels with an idea of how its supposed to be...you grab on to whatevers close and fight with yourself...should I let go? Or hold on for dear life?? I have no idea whats in store, and as much as it pains me to admit...it scares me.

Wanting to always be that strong "you cant hurt me" girl...i have pushed away some good people out of fear of them hurting me first. Giving up faster than ever before on a simple no no because I refuse to let things look the slightest bit like my past. I realize now ill never see what can truly be, unless I do it right. Whatever right is...

My mini me, you were right...and sweetpea you were right too <3 no more wrong reasons...no more closed doors on "chances". When it feels this right...gotta take that chance, never know what can happen...after all..."its unstoppable..."

Thank you DM...for your friendship & support today. It means a lot that youd cash in one of your favors for me. <3

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Maybe...one day...

I guess everyone has that somebody, the one you try and tell yourself youre better without. Not the one who got away...but the one who you know cant be. The one youre happy to have the smallest of friendship/relationship with because the thought of not having anything at all is just too much to bare.

You have your days where youre ok and you are thankful for the few minutes you spent talking to him or her. You ride high on that cloud from the message they sent telling you they thought of you today, silently wishing there was a way for things to be different. Recently ive noticed in friends and family...its all the same. Doesnt matter what you have or where you are in life...if you stop and look around you, the people walking past you...sharing the bus or even sitting right next to you all that thing in common with you.

Unanswered Prayers? I always thought I knew what the song meant, but I dont think I fully understood it til now. As sad as some of us may be from whatever situation we sit in...we go about our lives. Maybe for some time heals the ache/sorrow...and for some distance and denial. Whatever it is we find ways to simmer the feelings that are burning over and do what needs to be done so people think all is well in your world.

I find comfort in knowing I am not alone in this... Sad though, its strong sometimes and having to fight the urge to spill over can seriously drive you mad. I guess we will just have to keep telling ourselves "one day..." Maybe.

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