Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Time has brought your heart to me...

"Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this..."

That time of year is upon us. Most who know me know that this is the time of year that I would wish to skip all together, would love to sleep through and wake up with the new year at my feet. For those of you who don't know me so well, the short of it...its the anniversary of both my grandparents and sisters death. Sadly several years apart the same week. The week of Christmas. Although it's been a few years since my sisters death Ive not fully come to that point in my life where I am comforted by the fact that she is in a better place. Some days I can find that comfort, other days Ive got nothing but anger and frustration over a life that was cut way too short.

Every year Ive told myself I'd be ok and survive this month with little to no tears...and every year I fail miserably. I attempt the happy face and attempt to find some holiday spirit but honestly its just not there. Without giving into the full blown sadness that I feel Ive decided that this year Im just not going to give a shit about making others happy with my fake holiday spirit. I am 100% ok with it. You should be too.

The last month has been one of the hardest Ive dealt with in a long time. Mixed emotions left and right. Each morning afraid to open my eyes, not sure how I'd handle the changes that were taking place. My reasons for waking up each and every day were no longer there...in a heartbeat my life was changed. Much like a loved one who was taken too soon. I was taken back to that point again. It wasnt a good feeling.

Smack dab in the middle of the chaos that was my life, somebody walked into my life. He came in during a time that I would have pushed anyone else away and not have thought twice about it...he did nothing to "sell" himself as this amazing person or totally perfect man that I should give a chance. He didn't spend hours on end to show me how cool he was or how girls fall at his feet...or offer to buy me a bunch of shit I didnt want or need. He simply offered to listen. Explained that he had been in my situation and knew how it felt and said he would listen, no judgement...not even offer advice if it wasn't what I was looking for, but listen. Before I knew it, I was pouring my heart out to this stranger. Not even realizing at that moment there was a bond forming between the two of us.

Every day that passed more and more was shared between us. Feeling as if I was looking into a mirror sometimes, I couldn't believe the things we had in common. Having somebody who shares the same passions as you is one thing. Having somebody who has shared the same kind of loss and pain as you is another. It brings you to a different level of caring and understanding. Thats something more precious to me than any material item in a thousand lifetimes. Some have seen changes in me and have gone so far as to point them out. Some have been super supportive and have expressed genuine happiness for the new person in my life and that makes my heart happy.

Although he is a very important person in my life, he is not my whole life. Suggesting that my life should be better and I shouldnt have reason for the sadness that I feel is pretty lame. I spent a better part of the last 2 years single and enjoyed damn near every moment of it. Had it not been for this person sneaking his way into my life Id still be single and more than ok with it. I don't need a man in my life to make me feel complete. Nor do I need a man at my side to go out and enjoy myself. He is somebody who gets me like no other and accepts me 100% the way that I am. As much as I would like to say my friends are the same, its plain and simple most aren't. Some have expressed feelings of his impact on me, saying that he's changing me... :) bless you! haha Its about all I can say. Clearly you weren't paying attention much in the prior months as I've pulled myself away from a lot of things, places, and people before Travis was even a part of my life. Funny thing, an outsiders point of view. Yeah sometimes you just need somebody else to show you what you didnt have the heart to admit yourself.

Im not sure whats in store for the two of us...I can only say that the last month I've spent with you has been one of the most rewarding Ive spent getting to know anyone in almost 35 years. You came in during at a time that I thought Id lost myself and showed me that there are still people out there who can care about someone nothing expected in return. You helped me see that I am still very capable of sharing my heart with another...and that it IS possible to be me 100% without fear of judgement. You accept my quirks, crankiness, geekiness, and everything in between...whatever happens from here on out I am thankful that you are in my life. I cant ask for a better friend or partner. I look forward to whatever comes our way.

"I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more..."

Saturday, November 3, 2012

im dizzy...

Having to restrict or filter yourself is such a shitty feeling. Im not good with filters. Writing and saying whats in my head has always been my release. Honestly Im still real tempted to say to hell with it all. Lord knows the shit on my mind isnt a lie...

The last few days Ive had so many things and people in my head. Almost felt like the kid in 6th sense with all the people in his head...only most of mine werent dead. *filters herself* Yes...its come to this. Filters...what a fucking crock. I shall state for the record I do not wish any sort of harm, pain, death...or anything of the sort on ANYBODY...yes I said ANYBODY.

Im completely lost and so incredibly happy at the same time. Serious clusterfuck of emotion. A daily struggle of keeping my head above water and attempting to not lose myself while falling for the most amazing eyes Ive ever looked into... it would be my luck that the two happen at the same time. If I end up bald from stress I wonder if he will still want me? That would definitely be love...my head is shaped like a butt!

sad...I dont think Ive struggled this much before getting things out. Maybe its not meant to be said yet. Yeah a lot of shit sucks ass right now, but I also have a lot of great things going on too. Somebody has managed to walk into my life and has the key I didnt think would ever be found again. Not like this... its actually scary but so perfect at the same time. He brings happy thoughts and emotions during a time that I need it most...and in the most genuine ways. There is no way it could ever be wrong. Regardless of what happens between the two of us I know he is in my life for a reason.

He gave me music...not sure I need to say anything else. Well I couldnt...SHOULDNT. SOOO I wont...yeah i know it probably makes no sense...probably just a jumbled mess of garbage. Welcome to my head. If I were you, Id look for an exit. Clearly my head isnt suitable for everyone.

Since Im unable to say as I feel...I resort to the lyrics in my head...

"I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain..."

***Please note that I am not seeking advice. Relationship or otherwise. Im just clearing my head. I know what Im doing. Thank you for your love and support.