Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Full throttle...

The highlight of my year... to say the least. "Amazing man" asked me to be his wife and I happily accepted... We promised to love one another in good times and bad, through thick and thin, bad choice in football teams, and gassy nights in bed. I don't believe that I could have ended my year in any other way that would make me as happy as I am today. It used to be that I'd hear couples get all sappy and talk about how they married their best friend, I'd totally wanna gag and roll my eyes. I can honestly say that I know what that's like now... yeah, it's cool... you can gag now!

The year came and went faster than I ever could have imagined. I spent a better part of my night thinking back on all of the new experiences this past year brought me. I'm thankful for all the memories I take away from it, and even more thankful for the lessons learned.

In 2013 I watched my first born graduate high school.
It was one of my most proudest moments, as his mama... to see him walk across that stage to accept his diploma. That damn kid put more grey hair on my head than I'd like to admit. OoOh boy the days I wanted to just strangle his lil ass...he was awful! lol thank goodness he has grown into a good boy and now has a girlfriend that can take over the job of keeping his ass in line. I hope she likes hair dye!

I went to my first and probably LAST 49ers game! haha a new experience for sure, glad to say I had it. Enjoyed the day with the man I love surrounded by thousands of folks who made me wanna bang my head on the wall. BUT out of that came a new friend, a Niner faithful at that!! If I hadn't gone to that game I may not have gotten the chance to meet her in person and give her a big ole I just love her to bits.
You can't tell it here, but that was a Crabtree jersey I was wearing. I put on my big girl panties and fully, ok I lied not fully...but I TRIED to support my husbands team. It's just so damn hard! A few months back we went to our first Raiders game together, he lovingly supported me and wore my colors! He's totally a better man than me!

Bought a new camera and discovered a new passion...
Tahoe City, North Shore the morning after we got married. It's actually the place that he took me to on our first date. We've gone back here several times over the year, it was only right that we spent our wedding night there. I'm sure we will spend many more weekends there in 2014
Photos I took at Jessie's Grove in Lodi. We decided to check out the place where we were going to have our engagement pics taken...we loved it so much we ended up getting married there too!
Treasure Island San Francisco. Went there for a friends wedding and took a photo of the spot that my oldest and I used to fish at when he was still in diapers. A lot of great memories in that photo. It was nice to go back...nice to share that with Travis. I've yet to learn everything about my camera, but I plan to use the hell out of it in the months to come. Travis turns 36 in May, he doesn't know the details yet...but I have a full weekends worth of activities that I'm know will bring some new memories and great photos!

I've decided to pick just a few of the many good things I've experienced this year... I really could keep going and going but eventually I'd have somebody knocking on the door looking to be fed. Although there was a ton of loss and heartache over the year I've decided to focus on the good. Putting the rest to bed...and keeping the memories of the good with me. I'm so thankful for all the memories and the lessons...without them, I wouldn't be who I am today. I am motivated, determined, inspired, creative, loved, and happy...I am exactly where I need to be. I am doing exactly as I should be and there ain't a damn thing wrong with that! Here's to new friendships, and old ones who still hold strong. To those who believe in building you up instead of tearin you down. I've got life ahead of me... Goals and lifestyle changes and I'm takin the bull by the horns!!

"full throttle wide open...Don't stop til the job get's done..."

You'd better hold on tight baby!!!

Thursday, November 21, 2013

where you invest your love...

It’s really sad to say that you “don’t care” or that you’re no longer going to give a shit about people you once cared about. Sometimes, though it’s that attitude that give you the strength that you need to do what’s in your best interest. By all means protect your children, eliminate unwanted negativity, and do what is best for you and yours. I mean really is there ever WANTED negativity? I guess for some, they like to have the world constantly spinning about in haze and ugliness. I’ll be the first to admit that eliminating by way of saying “I don’t care” is something I personally do myself. It’s not always true, matter of fact it’s rarely true. It’s just the shit I have to tell myself so I can have the courage to say, “I’m not going to care anymore”…

My problem though, is when these things are done, and for whatever reason there is immediate judgment on everyone who no longer fits the molds of the NEW moral high ground. Don’t forget who you are, who you may have been, or things that you’ve done in your past! Just because you’ve had success in learning to grow or make changes doesn’t mean you’re now in a place of authority that grants you free reign on judgment.

We all are guilty of doing it. Judging one person or another for various reasons. We are all guilty of talking shit, and all guilty of making poor choices. I’m guilty. I’ve done them all…and probably WILL do it again. Although I can safely say I try my best to not to judge others. When it happens, I remind myself that I am not perfect and I do not live in their shoes. I may not agree with it and shake my head at it but really it’s not my life. I have the right to stay and be a part of it, and the right to walk away. We all do. “Worry about your piece of the pie” … I heard that years ago and repeat it often.

I’ve taken my own road on more than one occasion. I’ve walked away from friendships and family members who’ve had negative impacts in my life. I’ve also forgiven and gone back on my feelings and accepted some of these people back in my life. The reasons I walked away in the first place had nothing to do with not caring. Just needed time to reevaluate the path I wanted to take in my own personal life. Knowing I had no right to ask or demand changes of these people, I had to make the choice to accept it fully even though I disagreed or to walk. In some cases I walked, and haven’t looked back. Others, I’ve said it’s ok to make an effort. I do so cautiously…but I allow myself to do so because 2nd chances and forgivness is in my heart. Trying to love without limits, it’s what I strive for… it comes easy with your children and your significant other. Not as easy with those outside your immediate circle.

I can’t be angry that somebody isn’t living up to my standards. I can’t be angry that they walk different paths than me and bash them or hold them accountable when they had no idea my standards for them ever existed. I can’t punish them by constantly kicking them in the ass when they aren’t looking and claim it was the guy next to me. Imagine how you’d feel if it was done to you? It’s a shitty feeling. I’ve been feeling it lately.

I’ve said it before and I’ll continue to say it… I am NOT perfect. I’m fat, I’m short, I curse a lot, I drink alcohol and sometimes I drink a lot, I’ve done things I am not proud of…and I often put my foot in my mouth. I see people I have been compared to growing up and see they aren’t perfect either. I realize I never should have allowed the comparisons hurt me as much as they did. I never should have allowed those who made the comparisons to have the energies they took from me. Some 16, 17 years later I see their own insecurities and realize they are comparing themselves to somebody too. Rather than point them out though, I just leave it alone. Because I’m nobody to point out everyone else’s faults.

The beauty of all of this, is that my husband still loves me. Yes, I said husband! It’s been awhile… and things have changed for me yet again. That’s another post, what was I saying? Oh yeah…My husband still loves me, and my children still love me…and most who know me that care to be a part of my life accept me as I am. For that I am thankful. It’s why I try hard to better myself in whatever ways I can…the little changes I make are enough to keep me moving forward and with that I can be happy.

I won’t judge you for choices you make to move yourself into a better place. I won’t judge you if you choose not to change at all and you are content to live your life exactly the same. Just don’t judge if I’m not able to be there, as I may need to make a change that puts our paths on separate roads. I’m tired of the ugliness that’s spreading like a wildfire… it’s starting young too. I hear my kids talking about thing happening in their schools and it makes me sad. Even at 8 years old they feel the same type of judgment I’m getting now at almost 36 years old.
You don’t have to like me, you don’t have to accept me or the choices that I make…it is ok. I understand!
BUT please hear this… I won’t stop going to the places I love because you might be there. I won’t stop talking to friends that I have because you don’t like them, or they may be your friends too. I won’t stop listening to the music that I love or dancing the way that I do, I won’t stop talking and I won’t stop being who I am…

because I’m ok with who I am.

“In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die…and where you invest your love, you invest your life…”

Monday, March 18, 2013

Skinny Bitch needs a table for 9...

"Being half dead wasn't what I planned to be
Now I'm ready to be free...So here I am it's in my hands
And I'll savor every moment of this
So here I am alive at last
And I'll savor every moment of this..."

So here I am...alive at last!! It's kind of weird saying it out loud. I can't take away from all the good and happy memories that I shared with my kids, loved ones, and friends...because in those times and moments I was very much alive and happy. I guess the best way to explain it is to go back a little bit.

I used to have to keep a list, It was called "5 things to be thankful for every day (other than family, friends, food)" I forced myself to find 5 things every day that I should be thankful for. Some days it was easy as I usually had good people around me which would result in happy days or great conversations that kept my mind from what was really going on. Other days, it would take me longer than it should have to come up with my list. Those days made me sad. Totally taking for granted the fact that I was alive each day as I struggled to find a reason I hadn't already listed days before. It wasn't until last night that I realized how much I wasn't LIVING my life as I should have been. Did I make the best of the life I had? Yes. I'd like to think so. Out of not 1 but 2 failed marriages I walked away with 4 amazing children that I'd give my life for at any given moment. I came away with new experiences. Ones I'll always remember for good and bad reasons. Most of all I came away with lessons learned. Oh yeah baby...I learned!! Definitely the most valuable thing next to my kids.

A friend reached out to me last night asking about my 2nd marriage and what happened that led to us finally her the short version and hearing her reasons for wanting to know opened my eyes to what was in front of me. I'm typing away without hesitation thinking of the wonderful man in my life and how he has accepted my children and I into his life. How he much his sons remind me of their father, and always make me laugh with the way they interact with each other. The way they always find a way to make fun of me for my football team without these turds just make my heart happy...and it hit me. I'm alive again. FULLY ALIVE!! Instead of a man to tell me how to act or look I have one who compliments me and enjoys the sassy side of me. He encourages me to speak my mind and always be honest. I've never had that! He tells me to stop dancing in public on occasion lol but I am used to that as my kids have been doing that to me since they could start talking. He knows I love music and I'm always dancing, so sometimes he doesn't say a word he just walks away. haha but he let's me do my thing because it's what makes me happy. He doesn't care if my legs aren't shaved or if I've brushed my teeth yet he will kiss me...and hug me first thing in the morning. He will tell me if I have a booger in my nose and tell me if I'm being bitchy and need to check my attitude. He's the first person I talk to every day and soon he will be the person I kiss good night, every night!

We both have a past...things that have hurt us, scarring us, and leaving us doubtful of future relationships. Understanding each others past and hesitation we may have we took a chance. The similarities were almost scary. That alone bonded us. We have started talking about "our home"...have started looking around online at places to rent for awhile before we buy a home of our own. We've casually planned our "redneck wedding" haha joking of course...well I was, definitely not wearing a coon hat as I ride a quad down the isle. Though I do like the idea of the quad ;) we aren't rushing into anything. Just talking...but I do enjoy knowing that I have someone in my life that I can imagine growing old with.

The skinny bitch inside me is still dying to get out...and she will forever be in there. Most likely choking on all the foods I manage to inhale haha I am very happy to say that I am slowing moving forward in a new direction with my blogging. After discussing it with him, and getting feedback from trusted friends and family my Skinny Bitch is going to transition into a blog that is a little more family focused, and a little less spur of the moment rants. Although I don't doubt that some will find their way in there. After all neither of us has ever attempted blending a family of 9 before. Travis has never had daughters before, and I've never had 6 boys in the house at the same time. Did I mention that we come from 3 different ethnic backgrounds?? and 2 very different religions as well!? With kids staying in different cities part time, Oh and there are Ex's we are dealing with and holy crap I have to feed everyone!? All while trying to stay on a budget...because we DO like to have fun too :) It's definitely not going to be an easy road...but I do trust it will be an entertaining one. As long as I have him by my side, I'm 100% sure we will get through it all and I look forward to every minute of it!! Table for 9 coming up... stay tuned!

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

2013 Make it happen...

2013 Make It Happen has unofficially become my new mission. What exactly do I plan to make happen? Well a few things actually, I have a new mindset for the future of my children and myself. Although it’s not detailed or outlined I have a pretty good and clear idea of what it is I want and what needs to be done to reach these goals. As a very wise soul shared today, “Clarity is empowering” :) I couldn’t agree with that statement more.

Not sure that I should question or research the reasons for it all…but I do feel that things are happening in my life for a reason. I always see those motivational images with sayings about the people in your life being there for a reason. Good or bad they teach you a lesson, question is…do you have the clarity or open mind to see and accept what that lesson is?? I like to think that I did…but I can admit that often times I didn’t. I may realize the lesson in front of me, but didn’t accept what I needed to, to become a happier and healthier version of me.

I accept now my reasons for denying what I should have known. Accepting that friends & family would be anything but truthful and loyal was a hard pill to swallow. Constantly reminding me of their love and faithfulness to the relationship that we had and in the same breath lying to me, talking about me, using me, and taking advantage. Let’s face it; it’s not something anyone wants to accept. I spent a better part of the last year or so shaking my head at those who “did me wrong”. Thinking about it…allowing myself to return to the anger, frustration, and pain of losing another trusted friendship, completely forgetting that I needed to “let it go”. I came to that place once before, where I knew letting things go was the way to get through it all. Somehow I forgot that and slipped back into that place of bitterness and anger. I didn’t like it, no correction…I don’t like it.

A week or so ago, while sharing music with Travis… I listened to Tim McGraw’s “Live like you were dying” having this new person in my life and enjoying our time together we are sharing new experiences with one another. I thought given the past we’ve both experienced if he hadn’t heard this song it would be one that he could definitely appreciate. Reminded of my sister I sat and listened with tears in my eyes…

“And I loved deeper, and I spoke sweeter, and I gave forgiveness I've been denying, and he said someday I hope you get the chance, to live like you were dyin'…”

In that moment I knew what I had to do. Like I knew he would, Travis said it was a hard song to listen to, but he loved it. Loving the fact that it could touch him the same way it did me I realized so many things, like a ton of bricks it all hit me starting to make sense…it all got a little clearer. I needed to become that person I searched for in a friend. I accepted the part I had in the relationships that ended, and have forgiven the reasons they soured. I do not want to keep that alive any longer. With some I found, that although I’ve been able to forgive, it was still in my best interest to leave things alone. Not invite them in my life again. Instead I would accept that they are who they are and I can’t change that. The only thing left for me to do was decide if I truly wanted to be associated with the person that they are, make that choice, and move on.

“Like tomorrow was a gift and you've got eternity to think about what you do with it, what you could do with it, what I can do with it, what I would do with it…”

Travis and have talked of many things we’d like to do together. Some things we have already done and love to do with each other. There are places that have quickly become our favorites to go, songs we seem to always listen to when in his truck, and even habits formed when we spend our days and nights together. All in all good and happy things for the both of us. We have spoken of our future and ideas we have, it gives me a great feeling that we can find things we want to experience as partners. Makes me very happy knowing that we are on the same page as far things like that go.

I can’t say for sure what’s in store for us, my family, or me. I can only set goals for the things I want in life and put forth the effort to reach them. Having faith in me and the trusted few around me is key. Although ultimately its faith in myself that matters. Not losing sight of the important things, I realize that those who are no longer in my inner circle are no longer there for a reason. It’s ok to say to myself that these people are not good for me and I need to cut them loose. Appreciating things they’ve taught me and move on from what was. Towards the end of 2012 new people came into my life… though I didn’t know it then, they’ve become such huge roles in the person I strive to be today. For that I thank you!! I hope I can reach out to those individually and tell you how you’ve touched my life…still settling into this part of new me, I ask for patience. As it’s a side of me I’m not yet 100% comfortable with sharing.

2013 is going to be a better year, not only for the new experiences ahead of me or the difference I hope to make with others…but because I know this life is a gift and I plan to live each day as if it were my last.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

emotionally fueled...

It's not often that I find myself in a position where I have so much shit in my head that I can't formulate a sentence. I guess its the level of shit going on that has me so dumbfounded. There is no denying that what happened in CT on the 14th was an absolute tragedy. Never in my right mind could I imagine the fears and pain that those families have suffered as a result. A day that should have been about giggles, pampering, and fun (my birthday) I sat watching footage of the school...listening to children and parents recount their story of the events that took place. Just shaking my head...asking myself like so many others around me "Why?" To have to go through such a horrific event at any age is unreal, but 5 years old??? I cant wrap my head around it. So many innocent lives taken away... its just not right.

Over and over in my head I think about the families. So close to the holidays having to plan for a funeral. Doesn't matter who it is, or their age. This is a time thats supposed to be a happy whimsical time of year, not one full of sadness, anger, and confusion. This is something I can related to on a personal level, not once but 3 times over. It's hard to bring yourself back from something like this. Hard to feel that joyous feeling inside when a part of you has been ripped away without a second to even blink. Youre left with an emptiness that is so deep and strong its enough to swallow you whole. It's not so easy to just pick up and be strong...I dont care what anyone says, it just isnt. No matter how well you present yourself to the public...youre dying inside. Which makes it worse. You don't feel free to grieve as you rightfully should.

It's really easy for those who aren't directly affected to point fingers and lay blame where THEY see fit. The media chooses to report things "as it unfolds" and fills our heads with things not always giving the whole story at that moment, I get it we don't always have that full story as its happening but its then that folks run away with what they've heard and the story is blasted all over the damn planet and next thing we know it was fucking aliens who came down to earth who prodded this boy for 13 years of his life that provided him a gun that was purchased through a site that offers advice on bomb makings and supplies at discounted rates and he did it cuz his mom didnt buy him the new video game he wanted. So fuck it...blame his mother. Or better yet...lets blame the video games cuz they taught him how to be a sharp shooter...and then lets blame music and booze and well fuck how bout the weather too, cuz it wasnt his kind of day. Maybe if it were warmer out he would have been in a happy place with the sun...none of this would have happened??? Yes...thats it.

NOW...this is my always everything I spew out on here is MINE and only mine. I can honestly say that this years election I saw side of people I've never seen before. I saw/heard people come out of their shells emotionally and speak publicly on their views regarding this nation and the million and one things going wrong with it. I don't think Ive ever been apart of something as emotionally charged as that. While I was pleasantly surprised by the voices speaking out I was honestly saddened by the amount of narrow minded opinions that were tossed around. Now, obviously Im not going to call anyone out on them (on here) as they are entitled to their thoughts and opinions...but man it was some real shit. Once again...emotion has taken over and the amount of garbage flying is enough to make me want to flee this damn country.

I continue to hear people blame his mother, blaming guns, blaming video games...and everything else under the damn sun. When truth of the matter is this kid had issues...and he was not right in his head and he did a horrible thing. Does this mean his mother failed him? That she didn't love him enough or show him enough attention? No. Was the idea of shooting up the school and killing those 26 people the cause of a video game he may or may not have played once? No. Was it the cause of one of the I think 4 guns on his person? Technically the ammo shot from those guns killed them, but NO. They didn't shoot themselves. What this boy had was a Chemical Imbalance, which causes Mental Illness. Which I am SURE a lot of people know can cause people to do things "normal" people wouldnt do.

Its easy to say he should have been medicated or hospitalized up or jailed, as I've seen. I can't help but wonder of those folks who make it sound so simple, have you ever dealt with this? Im guessing not in most cases. Until you have had to physically fight your child from attacking you, until you've had to create a "safe plan" with other your children, until you've had to watch your child be carted off by authorities or medics screaming "mom please dont do this" or until you decide to properly educate yourself on what mental illness is and what it can do to you, and realize that its NOT easy as YOU think...shut your damn mouths. You and I have it easy to walk in to our Doctors offices and say we are sick or have a problem and get help. We can walk into an E.R or an Urgent care and STILL get help or care we need. These people don't have that...even with insurance...and medications there is NO guarantee that their "illness" is fixed or under control. Its a life long battle.

*sighs* I can go round and round and the only thing that will come of this is my getting dizzy. Some people will never agree with anything I say and thats ok. All I ask is that before you decide to open your mouths and lay blame educate yourself. Think about the things that are coming out of your mouth. As many of us like to live in our own lil worlds, truth of the matter is we are not all beautiful. We are not all smart, we are not all "normal" or right in the head and some people do some senseless things that cause our real world to stop spinning. Accept that not everyone will agree with you and that not ALL laws are created for right reasons. Don't judge because you dont understand. Take the time to learn.

What happened December 14th was a truly a day that we will never forget. My heart, thoughts, and prayers go to EVERYONE involved. There is nothing at this point that will ease the pain of your loss and for that I am sorry.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Time has brought your heart to me...

"Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this..."

That time of year is upon us. Most who know me know that this is the time of year that I would wish to skip all together, would love to sleep through and wake up with the new year at my feet. For those of you who don't know me so well, the short of it...its the anniversary of both my grandparents and sisters death. Sadly several years apart the same week. The week of Christmas. Although it's been a few years since my sisters death Ive not fully come to that point in my life where I am comforted by the fact that she is in a better place. Some days I can find that comfort, other days Ive got nothing but anger and frustration over a life that was cut way too short.

Every year Ive told myself I'd be ok and survive this month with little to no tears...and every year I fail miserably. I attempt the happy face and attempt to find some holiday spirit but honestly its just not there. Without giving into the full blown sadness that I feel Ive decided that this year Im just not going to give a shit about making others happy with my fake holiday spirit. I am 100% ok with it. You should be too.

The last month has been one of the hardest Ive dealt with in a long time. Mixed emotions left and right. Each morning afraid to open my eyes, not sure how I'd handle the changes that were taking place. My reasons for waking up each and every day were no longer a heartbeat my life was changed. Much like a loved one who was taken too soon. I was taken back to that point again. It wasnt a good feeling.

Smack dab in the middle of the chaos that was my life, somebody walked into my life. He came in during a time that I would have pushed anyone else away and not have thought twice about it...he did nothing to "sell" himself as this amazing person or totally perfect man that I should give a chance. He didn't spend hours on end to show me how cool he was or how girls fall at his feet...or offer to buy me a bunch of shit I didnt want or need. He simply offered to listen. Explained that he had been in my situation and knew how it felt and said he would listen, no judgement...not even offer advice if it wasn't what I was looking for, but listen. Before I knew it, I was pouring my heart out to this stranger. Not even realizing at that moment there was a bond forming between the two of us.

Every day that passed more and more was shared between us. Feeling as if I was looking into a mirror sometimes, I couldn't believe the things we had in common. Having somebody who shares the same passions as you is one thing. Having somebody who has shared the same kind of loss and pain as you is another. It brings you to a different level of caring and understanding. Thats something more precious to me than any material item in a thousand lifetimes. Some have seen changes in me and have gone so far as to point them out. Some have been super supportive and have expressed genuine happiness for the new person in my life and that makes my heart happy.

Although he is a very important person in my life, he is not my whole life. Suggesting that my life should be better and I shouldnt have reason for the sadness that I feel is pretty lame. I spent a better part of the last 2 years single and enjoyed damn near every moment of it. Had it not been for this person sneaking his way into my life Id still be single and more than ok with it. I don't need a man in my life to make me feel complete. Nor do I need a man at my side to go out and enjoy myself. He is somebody who gets me like no other and accepts me 100% the way that I am. As much as I would like to say my friends are the same, its plain and simple most aren't. Some have expressed feelings of his impact on me, saying that he's changing me... :) bless you! haha Its about all I can say. Clearly you weren't paying attention much in the prior months as I've pulled myself away from a lot of things, places, and people before Travis was even a part of my life. Funny thing, an outsiders point of view. Yeah sometimes you just need somebody else to show you what you didnt have the heart to admit yourself.

Im not sure whats in store for the two of us...I can only say that the last month I've spent with you has been one of the most rewarding Ive spent getting to know anyone in almost 35 years. You came in during at a time that I thought Id lost myself and showed me that there are still people out there who can care about someone nothing expected in return. You helped me see that I am still very capable of sharing my heart with another...and that it IS possible to be me 100% without fear of judgement. You accept my quirks, crankiness, geekiness, and everything in between...whatever happens from here on out I am thankful that you are in my life. I cant ask for a better friend or partner. I look forward to whatever comes our way.

"I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more..."

Saturday, November 3, 2012

im dizzy...

Having to restrict or filter yourself is such a shitty feeling. Im not good with filters. Writing and saying whats in my head has always been my release. Honestly Im still real tempted to say to hell with it all. Lord knows the shit on my mind isnt a lie...

The last few days Ive had so many things and people in my head. Almost felt like the kid in 6th sense with all the people in his head...only most of mine werent dead. *filters herself* Yes...its come to this. Filters...what a fucking crock. I shall state for the record I do not wish any sort of harm, pain, death...or anything of the sort on ANYBODY...yes I said ANYBODY.

Im completely lost and so incredibly happy at the same time. Serious clusterfuck of emotion. A daily struggle of keeping my head above water and attempting to not lose myself while falling for the most amazing eyes Ive ever looked into... it would be my luck that the two happen at the same time. If I end up bald from stress I wonder if he will still want me? That would definitely be head is shaped like a butt!

sad...I dont think Ive struggled this much before getting things out. Maybe its not meant to be said yet. Yeah a lot of shit sucks ass right now, but I also have a lot of great things going on too. Somebody has managed to walk into my life and has the key I didnt think would ever be found again. Not like this... its actually scary but so perfect at the same time. He brings happy thoughts and emotions during a time that I need it most...and in the most genuine ways. There is no way it could ever be wrong. Regardless of what happens between the two of us I know he is in my life for a reason.

He gave me music...not sure I need to say anything else. Well I couldnt...SHOULDNT. SOOO I wont...yeah i know it probably makes no sense...probably just a jumbled mess of garbage. Welcome to my head. If I were you, Id look for an exit. Clearly my head isnt suitable for everyone.

Since Im unable to say as I feel...I resort to the lyrics in my head...

"I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain..."

***Please note that I am not seeking advice. Relationship or otherwise. Im just clearing my head. I know what Im doing. Thank you for your love and support.