Monday, March 18, 2013
"Being half dead wasn't what I planned to be
Now I'm ready to be free...So here I am it's in my hands
And I'll savor every moment of this
So here I am alive at last
And I'll savor every moment of this..."
So here I am...alive at last!! It's kind of weird saying it out loud. I can't take away from all the good and happy memories that I shared with my kids, loved ones, and friends...because in those times and moments I was very much alive and happy. I guess the best way to explain it is to go back a little bit.
I used to have to keep a list, It was called "5 things to be thankful for every day (other than family, friends, food)" I forced myself to find 5 things every day that I should be thankful for. Some days it was easy as I usually had good people around me which would result in happy days or great conversations that kept my mind from what was really going on. Other days, it would take me longer than it should have to come up with my list. Those days made me sad. Totally taking for granted the fact that I was alive each day as I struggled to find a reason I hadn't already listed days before. It wasn't until last night that I realized how much I wasn't LIVING my life as I should have been. Did I make the best of the life I had? Yes. I'd like to think so. Out of not 1 but 2 failed marriages I walked away with 4 amazing children that I'd give my life for at any given moment. I came away with new experiences. Ones I'll always remember for good and bad reasons. Most of all I came away with lessons learned. Oh yeah baby...I learned!! Definitely the most valuable thing next to my kids.
A friend reached out to me last night asking about my 2nd marriage and what happened that led to us finally separating...giving her the short version and hearing her reasons for wanting to know opened my eyes to what was in front of me. I'm typing away without hesitation thinking of the wonderful man in my life and how he has accepted my children and I into his life. How he much his sons remind me of their father, and always make me laugh with the way they interact with each other. The way they always find a way to make fun of me for my football team without fail...lol these turds just make my heart happy...and it hit me. I'm alive again. FULLY ALIVE!! Instead of a man to tell me how to act or look I have one who compliments me and enjoys the sassy side of me. He encourages me to speak my mind and always be honest. I've never had that! He tells me to stop dancing in public on occasion lol but I am used to that as my kids have been doing that to me since they could start talking. He knows I love music and I'm always dancing, so sometimes he doesn't say a word he just walks away. haha but he let's me do my thing because it's what makes me happy. He doesn't care if my legs aren't shaved or if I've brushed my teeth yet he will kiss me...and hug me first thing in the morning. He will tell me if I have a booger in my nose and tell me if I'm being bitchy and need to check my attitude. He's the first person I talk to every day and soon he will be the person I kiss good night, every night!
We both have a past...things that have hurt us, scarring us, and leaving us doubtful of future relationships. Understanding each others past and hesitation we may have we took a chance. The similarities were almost scary. That alone bonded us. We have started talking about "our home"...have started looking around online at places to rent for awhile before we buy a home of our own. We've casually planned our "redneck wedding" haha joking of course...well I was, definitely not wearing a coon hat as I ride a quad down the isle. Though I do like the idea of the quad ;) we aren't rushing into anything. Just talking...but I do enjoy knowing that I have someone in my life that I can imagine growing old with.
The skinny bitch inside me is still dying to get out...and she will forever be in there. Most likely choking on all the foods I manage to inhale haha I am very happy to say that I am slowing moving forward in a new direction with my blogging. After discussing it with him, and getting feedback from trusted friends and family my Skinny Bitch is going to transition into a blog that is a little more family focused, and a little less spur of the moment rants. Although I don't doubt that some will find their way in there. After all neither of us has ever attempted blending a family of 9 before. Travis has never had daughters before, and I've never had 6 boys in the house at the same time. Did I mention that we come from 3 different ethnic backgrounds?? and 2 very different religions as well!? With kids staying in different cities part time, Oh and there are Ex's we are dealing with and holy crap I have to feed everyone!? All while trying to stay on a budget...because we DO like to have fun too :) It's definitely not going to be an easy road...but I do trust it will be an entertaining one. As long as I have him by my side, I'm 100% sure we will get through it all and I look forward to every minute of it!! Table for 9 coming up... stay tuned!