Saturday, November 26, 2011

Its just been on my mind...

Page after page, rant after rant...i sit lost in thought. I see whats being written and hear whats being said, but honestly its all a bit muffled by silence.

Its something ive caught on to over the past couple of years. Thanks to the position I held at my job, I was able to see on more than one occasion how loud a silent person could scream. With those screams still very fresh in my mind...i listen for new sounds, rarely able to drown out the ones that constantly replay in my head. Til now.

Its so easy to get caught up in whats going on around you. So easy to forget there are people around you in your daily life that may be going through some of the hardest days in their lives, silently crying out. I can honestly say, even with the family and friends I have around me always supporting me there are times that ive actually still felt alone. Its not a good a 33 year old woman. Im not sure id be able to deal with it being alone, literally without family by your side.

Ive spent the last couple of days with several people on my mind. Ive felt a bundle of mixed emotions for them. The pain & sorrow they struggle with makes me want to reach out any way I can...trying to help or at least stand by as they deal with whatever is going on. Silently crying my own tears...

Im taken back to a place where I feel horrible for not being a better friend. Not being able to offer more...or not seeing sooner, that you needed an ear or a hug. Truth of the matter is ive been needing an ear and a hug too. Just havent been so quick to admit it. Til now. I deal with things in an odd way. I let it all build up and continue to say im ok ill be fine while its wearing me out and making me so tired I cant see strait. Then break. Fall apart, lose myself in tears and emotions I brewed for too long. Pick myself back up...and knock shit out of the way again. Head on, full force...the only way I know how. Some people though, dont know how or cant pick back up as fast or as often as I do. Or think I do.

Ive started taking a closer look at those around me, those who truly mean something to me...and have realized a lot of them are silently crying to. I know people are busy and have their own lives and their own bullshit to deal with on a daily basis...and I dont judge anyone for doing what they gotta do handling their business, but dont ever underestimate the power of your words. Your hugs or "good thoughts just because". Even if they arent willing to accept what youve put out there...its an amazing feeling to know somebody has you in their thoughts just becuase.

Things may not be as id like them to be at the moment...but "im alive...and thats good enough for me."