Monday, April 30, 2012
"That's the story of my life, right there in black and white...a pictures worth a thousand words, but you can't see what those shades of grey keep covered, you should've seen it in color..."
The story of my life, feels as though it's always being re-written. New chapters before the previous one has finished. New characters as the hours pass, hell completely unsure if there will even be an ending. The constant though is the love I have for my babies & my family and the amazement I have for the lows that some can sink to. I always think there is NO WAY...and holy shit, there it did! I guess that's what makes it "life" But I'll tell you what, the first two...is something that will never change. That's something that is never ending...those are the parts of the story I'll always go back to re-read and attempt to relive. Yes my imagination is that good. I can hear the laughter, smell the things around me, see it all as if it was on a big screen playing to those music in my head.
Saying that my emotions are on over drive would be a true understatement at this point. More like completely out of control, I'd like to pat myself on the back though...as I have found it within myself to handle things in a new way. Although others would like to give themselves credit for it all, credit actually goes to the smallest piece of me others hardly know about. I almost want to apologize for my feelings but that's just it...I shouldn't have to. I won't.
I keep thinking back on the last year or so, the emotional times that literally took the breath out of me and the people I've lost because of the spiteful, disrespectful, ugliness that could not be contained. I can't help but shake my head...feel sick to my stomach and tear up. Leaving my heart wide open thinking I'll get back what I put out only to see it's not true for everyone I come in contact with. I didn't lose faith in everyone, I do know that there are good people around me with true hearts and I can't express enough how thankful I am for that. Feeling completely drained and completely alive...did you know it was possible to feel them both at the same time? I didn't either, til today. I gotta admit it's nice but makes me so dizzy. Kind of the morning after a great night with friends :)
Over the last couple of weeks I've been doing a lot of soul searching. I've been avoiding a lot of "good times" and thinking hard on whats to come. I know what's ahead of me isn't exactly clear but it's ok. I proceed down the path I've chosen knowing who I can trust and who will support me along the way. There may be unexpected turns and road blocks but with their love and support I'll get through it with very few scrapes and bruises (hopefully) :) It's funny how it all came about...honestly I'm not sure that the two people who messaged me even know the amount of courage they gave me with their words. I hope they don't mind my sharing.
"P.S. I LOVE READING YOUR POST'S. YOUR A STRONG WOMAN AND SOMETIMES YOU REMIND ME THAT I AM TOO."
at the end of a message, that I still have saved :) She is in fact a strong woman herself...very proud mama of 2 beautiful babies. It may not be much to some but to me it was probably the best thing I could have heard.
"Wow, to be able to tell that story in that manner. I'm sure having
gone through so much that you are in fact fearless." from a perfect stranger who read something that I wrote.
Honestly I figured that those I shared with would provide their 2 cents...but a stranger? and something like this? That was awesome...I have his messaged saved too. Small reminders, if others can see this in me...I have to remember that its there and lives in me...and giving in to the ugliness is NO LONGER AN OPTION! It doesn't matter who it's coming from, how many years are invested, or the links that tie us together. It is not an option.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
" Something has changed within me Something is not the same I'm through with playing by the rules Of someone else's game Too late for second-guessing Too late to go back to sleep It's time to trust my instincts Close my eyes: and leap..."
At the risk of sounding like an asshole, I've realized my time to "leap" has come. When i find its best to sit in silence, than open my mouth and take a chance of hearing more than i care to hear its time to do my own thing. More often then not i find myself second guessing myself and going off of what others insist is best for me, only to find out it wasn't. Then I'm left back tracking and picking up the pieces doing it all over again.
This time around i have to do things my way...well mine and his =} who we are "together" or not is nobody's business. What we plan to do is our business...how we plan to live our lives matters to only us. I feel judging eyes, and hear certain whispers and can't help but wonder why? Then it hits, it doesn't matter why, its your thing...your issue. Say what you feel think what you must and enjoy your life. I need no excuse or explanation. If you're not happy or cant be apart of my life without judgement i ask you to please take a walk.
I'm doing things for myself and for my children. If that doesn't suit you i dunno what to tell you. Please respect my wishes and understand that i do love and appreciate my family and friends more than anything...but this life is mine to live.
I'm not angry, hurt, broken, sad...i don't need to be fixed or counseled or see a doctor. I'm actually in a very good place at the moment and have a pretty decent guy at my side. I'm making plans for my future and ask that you send me some good vibes and wish me well. But i definitely understand if its not possible...and i wish YOU the very best.