Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Leave the pieces when you go...

My hearts so heavy, have so much to say...so much I wanna get off my chest, but my mind tells me to keep it in. Maybe its fear of losing more friends? Although I know deep down real friends will know and understand my feelings are just that, feelings...and not something that should end the world. I cant be blamed for how I feel. I will not be asked to change my feelings and Ill never apologize for how I feel. I do everything within my power to be honest upfront & trustworthy. A good friend. I cherish the friendships/bonds Ive been able to create with those currently in my life. Im thankful for the people who have stood by me through the years showing me unconditional love and support. I may not say it often enough, but its appreciated and Id be lost without it.

Ive spent many nights thinking on the people who have walked out of my life, wondering what I could have done to keep them from leaving. Only to realize nothing would have changed. In their heart they did what they felt was right. I cant blame them for that...but still I cant help but be a little sad. I cant help but feel a little shitty that I was tossed to the side so quickly, not giving a second thought to anything we had been through as "Friends". If you can even call it that. I try to not let that kind of stuff affect me. As always...my emotions get the best of me.

Ive not said a word that was untrue, I did not make promises that I couldnt keep, and I always found at least a minute or two of every day to say hello and wish them well. I meant every word I said...and even now would come to help if called upon. Thats just who I am. Id like to think if they ever truly knew me...they would know that, and would call on me if they needed. Honestly though, as much as it sucks losing a friend...Id be ok without them. Its apart of life...and Im learning how to live my life in new ways.

I am not broken, I am not stupid, I am not lacking in common sense...I have just chosen to live my life the best way I can for those that matter most. Constantly being told how I should live my life according to the standards of others gets old. Trying to make others realize that I DO know whats best for me is tiring. Ive learned a lot through the last few years of my life. One of the most important things I have learned, is you have to do what is best for YOU! When you are doing whats needed to make YOU happy & healthy you are able to then be there and care for those around you. If it means you build walls, shut out people you once cared about, walk away from unhealthy relationships...you do it. When everything is said and done...its the ones who matter most who are there when the dust settles. Thats all that matters.

"Its alright, Ill be fine...dont worry about this heart of mine. Take your love and hit the road. Theres nothing you can do or say youre gonna break my heart anyway, so just leave the pieces when you go..."

Monday, June 20, 2011

Sometimes I dont feel like a smile...

I cant help but enjoy the time I get to spend sitting out by the lake. Id rather spend my days out here lost in thought, than doing some of the things I used to enjoy doing. Little by little ive noticed other things changing too. I havent been able to decide yet if theyre for the better, but I guess time will tell.

Recently ive found myself thinking of you more. Im not sure what it is, its not your birthday or anniversary...not one of the holidays we enjoyed spending together, but youre on my mind daily. Maybe I just need you here? Amazing friends and family surround me...but nobody can replace you.

I listened to all your songs the other day. Sang along like nobody was listening, but I know they could hear me. You never cared what people said or thought of you, something I always admired of you. Something I always wanted to be. Of course now I think ive turned it into a way of pushing people away. Just wash my hands of it all...seems to be easier to go about my day without it. I dunno...

I just keep smiling and going about my business. Its the only way I know how to do things anymore. People compliment me often on how well I deal with things, I really wonder what they would think of me on those days that the smiles are so fake and forced I feel like my face is gonna crack...i guess we all have our bad days. I keep going back to this song we played for you...

"youll find that life is still worth while...if you just smile..."

But what if I just dont feel like smiling?
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Saturday, June 4, 2011

Dont let me be misunderstood...

So I layed here and typed up a post with my blogger app on my Droid and it failed on me. I have attempted several times to get the post open so I can copy and paste it with no luck. "Force close" is all I get...way to add to my frustration.

Yesterday, somebody came at me like a ton of bricks. Name calling, mean hurtful words just because he felt he had to. He made ASSumptions about me didnt bother to truly get to know me or even confirm the shit he was spewing out of his mouth. If he truly knew me he would know the stuff he said about me is no where near the truth! The fact that he doesnt even know me in person or even talked to me on the phone, yet opens his mouth annoys me even more.

I put myself out there, on fb and here...i know this. But see I have nothing to hide. I say what I feel without regrets, if you cant decipher me being a shithead and me being real thats your problem! If youre honestly interested and want to know more hit me up...ill gladly sit and talk with you. Ill gladly explain things or answer questions you might have about me or my life...you may not get all the answers you want or hear things you may not like but at least youll have the truth straight from me.

Forming opinions and judging me when you dont even have half of who I really am...thats just silly. That kind of close minded, I am better than you attitude I dont need in my life. I have managed to come across some pretty amazing people...open minded non judgemental beautiful inside and out who truly care even though we havent actually met in person. Those are the type of people I chose to surround myself with. The type of people I chose to invest my time in...the ones who make me smile just by saying hello... Not try and tear me down because they dont understand me.

"Im just a soul whose intentions are good...oh lord, please dont let me be misunderstood..."
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