Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Youd better believe Im FEARLESS...

Its been ages since Ive sat in my bed with the urge to just write. To just let it all out...then again, its been ages since Ive felt the way that I do. I thought I felt this before, not too long ago. Im realizing now it wasnt what I wanted it to be, and its ok that it didnt happen like I wanted. "Sometimes we thank god for unanswered prayers" Yes me and my songs...I know. I cant help it...it helps express what I cant put into words on my own.

I cant deny the excitement that comes over me when I hear his voice, or that feeling I get inside when he talks about "us" the thought of there being an US makes me smile. Its one of those things that happens in your life, its so good and feels so right but my fear of it not being true or ending the wrong way keep me from wanting to talk about it. Not wanting to "jinx" what we may have going. Little by little I let the trusted few in on the details, and as expected they have their opinions, keeping in mind they only want whats best for me, I listen...try and take it all in. I make my lists, the pros and cons...and seek advice only to find Im more confused with the whole situation and more unsure of which direction I should take ONLY to realize nobody truly knows what I feel inside.

With a less than perfect situation in front of us, I cant help but feel like there is something good here. Despite the rough start we may have had there is a part of me that has to give in and follow the advice I gave out to a "friend" in a similar situation. "You miss the shots you dont take" Giving into the fear I will never know if this "us" is the real deal. Ill never know if his words are true...if his love for me is real. I dont wanna miss that shot. I dont want to take the chance of not knowing...

Almost a year ago, my heart was completely broken by a man that I loved...who said that he loved me too. Somebody very close to me sent me a link to a song "Fearless" I heard the song read the lyrics and cried my eyes out. It became my anthem. It made me sad to think of what I had lost and what Id never have again. As time went on, it wasnt sadness I felt, but strength. I was changing and coming to the realization that it was something I had lost with that person and and it was something Id never have again with him, but there was no doubt in my mind that Id have it again one day with someone new. Now almost a year later I come back to the same song...its come full circle.

"and if I end up lonely, at least I will be there knowing...I believe in love..."

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Oh how things have changed...

Im currently in bed listening to my babies snore. The window is open and the cool breeze is flowing in, it feels amazing. Pandora is on Billy Currington radio and honestly I feel great. There was a time in my life I couldnt imagine sitting here, as a single mother again and truly being happy. Are there things I would change about my current situation? Hell yes! But not the things most would think of when hearing about me or my life.

I have had a so much shit thrown at me by people who have claimed to love me, and ya know maybe they did. Maybe they didnt know how to TRULY love, or how to truly show it...or how to LOVE ENOUGH that they couldnt do the right thing and end things properly. I dont know, but I have walked away from both with amazing children and that is all that matters now. I do thank them though, they have shown me what to look for...the signs. They have helped me grow into a mighty strong woman and a fiery one at that. They helped me to see that I DO deserve EVERYTHING in life that I truly desire and they helped me to see that NO MAN is worth putting your life and goals on hold for. For that I am thankful.

I get a kick out of all the questions I get about single life at my age...I am 33 years old and single. Yes. I am not dead... nothing needs to be "dusted off" lol thanks for the offers though. ;) I have come to the conclusion that the Gym is my new boyfriend. I go in work up a damn good sweat & walk funny afterwards...and I dont have to fake anything. No bullshit and I definitely dont have to make anyone a sammich when Im done. It works out nicely. Have no fear my lovies, I have not switched teams...I still LOVE men. I am just using my new eyes and way of thinking in my selection process. I will have fun enjoying single life as long as it takes for me to find the right one.

Oh yes lovies, things have changed...but most definitely for the better. I will not let a man break me. I am more than just his wife or ex wife...I am more than just their mother...he does not make me who I am, he is just a piece of who I was.