Wednesday, December 21, 2011

youre fueling my fire...

"You don't know how strong my weakness is..."

More often than not I am underestimated. I know that I have clearly had my days, where judgement may have been off or my head was definitely in my ass...but shit who doesnt have those days? I know that my physical & mental strength are questioned, and thats ok. For some it comes from a place of love & honest concern and for that I thank you. I appreciate your concern for my family and for myself, it means a lot that you care and I truly do thank you. For others though, its...?? its what? I dont want to sound like an ass and say being a "hater" but what else do you call it? Watching and waiting to see me fall on my face? Well I have news for you, those of you who are sitting and waiting for that shoe to drop...I have fallen on my face and I picked my ass back up and kept going. I will probably fall again too, and like the times before I will pick myself up and keep going. Because thats what I was taught to do.

Every day I struggle with things in life. Shit not going the way I want...unexpected things that throw me off path and toss my life into a whirlwind of mess. "I'll be ok, shit will work itself out" has become a true motto in my life. One way or another I manage to always get things back to a place where I am ok. Help from friends and family no doubt, their love and support always carry me through. This time of year has easily become a rough time for me and others around me. The time that has passed has not lessened the pain. I still come to tears when certain songs play and see certain things that instantly bring her to mind. Lately its been dreams of those whove dad included. So much is going on in my head that at times, I want to just shut it all off. Turn everyone away and say not now. I cant help you today, I cant listen, I cant offer you any help or can I when Im probably more fucked up than you? haha if you only knew some of the shit that truly goes through my head! Very few know me well enough, and with good reason.

Don't underestimate what I am or who I will become. I have a fire in me that burns hotter than anyone will ever understand. Its constantly fueled by those around me. Good and bad all the same. I keep it with me and it keeps me going. My love is alive and strong. Ive told myself to hide or hold it in and have realized I dont have to anymore...its out there. If Ive told you that I love you...its because its real, and I mean it. Never doubt that.

Tired of that feeling of having to keep my thoughts & feelings quiet. My heart is no longer "under lock and key..." the lock however is smaller and the "key" well...I its out there...but very close to my heart...if youre ever able to face me and look into my eyes you will see apart of me that has been waiting to show you the truth. In due time...or not at all...and Im ok with that.

Te dejo con un cachito de mi corazon...

"me gustan tus labios...cuando tu me besas, y si estas lejos de mi yo se que me extranas. Amor... la forma en que me tocas con amor...pero lo siento en me, la forma en que me amas..."