Thursday, September 29, 2011 day...

I guess everyone has that somebody, the one you try and tell yourself youre better without. Not the one who got away...but the one who you know cant be. The one youre happy to have the smallest of friendship/relationship with because the thought of not having anything at all is just too much to bare.

You have your days where youre ok and you are thankful for the few minutes you spent talking to him or her. You ride high on that cloud from the message they sent telling you they thought of you today, silently wishing there was a way for things to be different. Recently ive noticed in friends and family...its all the same. Doesnt matter what you have or where you are in life...if you stop and look around you, the people walking past you...sharing the bus or even sitting right next to you all that thing in common with you.

Unanswered Prayers? I always thought I knew what the song meant, but I dont think I fully understood it til now. As sad as some of us may be from whatever situation we sit in...we go about our lives. Maybe for some time heals the ache/sorrow...and for some distance and denial. Whatever it is we find ways to simmer the feelings that are burning over and do what needs to be done so people think all is well in your world.

I find comfort in knowing I am not alone in this... Sad though, its strong sometimes and having to fight the urge to spill over can seriously drive you mad. I guess we will just have to keep telling ourselves "one day..." Maybe.
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Tuesday, September 6, 2011

No songs good enough to make me dance today...

There are times I just want life to stop. Saying "life goes on" or "life must go on" just seems so inappropriate sometimes. Do I know its true? Yes. do I know its just how some deal with loss and change in their lives? Yes. Do I have to accept it? No, not all the time. Sometimes its ok to be selfish and want answers to those questions you cant figure out. Its ok to be angry or sad at the change & loss youre dealing with. In the end though, life does go on. But sometimes...we just need a time out from it all. Take a breather, think about how you really wanna handle things, or just break down without having to explain why. Its ok  to say "no im not ok" "no im not alright, but I will be I just need time"...i forget that. Constantly saying "im ok" well today im not feeling ok. 

I can sit lost in thought, fighting back tears asking myself why it has to be? Why does he have to leave? Why was it his turn to go? Why did they feel the need to cut their lives short...but my answers arent going to come. I end up more confused by it all. Feeling just a lil more lost and alone.

Today I dont have the right song, today im not even sure if the words are right, I just know that today my heart is heavy. I am sad and my usual ways of dealing arent helping. Trying to focus my thoughts amd energies on different things has been impossible, so ill stop trying. Instead im just going to take my selfish day and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

I have learned this though, if that person comes into your life and you feel like they are the right one for you...let them know. Dont be afraid of the fight or the struggle to make things work. In the end, if your feelings were right it will be worth it. "wilder than an 8 second ride..." ;) im ready to ride...

Take a moment to tell your loved ones what they mean to you, tomorrow is not promised.

To my own family and life IS everything I could ask for because you are apart of me. You are the reasons I sing smile and dance, almost everyday. I love you and I am thankful for every day you are around.

RIP will be missed. my other boys in Brown whove left us as are not forgotten.