Full throttle...

The highlight of my year... to say the least. "Amazing man" asked me to be his wife and I happily accepted... We promised to love one another in good times and bad, through thick and thin, bad choice in football teams, and gassy nights in bed. I don't believe that I could have ended my year in any other way that would make me as happy as I am today. It used to be that I'd hear couples get all sappy and talk about how they married their best friend, I'd totally wanna gag and roll my eyes. I can honestly say that I know what that's like now... yeah, it's cool... you can gag now!

The year came and went faster than I ever could have imagined. I spent a better part of my night thinking back on all of the new experiences this past year brought me. I'm thankful for all the memories I take away from it, and even more thankful for the lessons learned.

In 2013 I watched my first born graduate high school.

It was one of my most proudest moments, as his mama... to see him walk across that stage to accept his diploma. That damn kid put more grey hair on my head than I'd like to admit. OoOh boy the days I wanted to just strangle his lil ass...he was awful! lol thank goodness he has grown into a good boy and now has a girlfriend that can take over the job of keeping his ass in line. I hope she likes hair dye!

I went to my first and probably LAST 49ers game! haha a new experience for sure, glad to say I had it. Enjoyed the day with the man I love surrounded by thousands of folks who made me wanna bang my head on the wall. BUT out of that came a new friend, a Niner faithful at that!! If I hadn't gone to that game I may not have gotten the chance to meet her in person and give her a big ole hug...now I just love her to bits.

You can't tell it here, but that was a Crabtree jersey I was wearing. I put on my big girl panties and fully, ok I lied not fully...but I TRIED to support my husbands team. It's just so damn hard! A few months back we went to our first Raiders game together, he lovingly supported me and wore my colors! He's totally a better man than me!

Bought a new camera and discovered a new passion...

Tahoe City, North Shore the morning after we got married. It's actually the place that he took me to on our first date. We've gone back here several times over the year, it was only right that we spent our wedding night there. I'm sure we will spend many more weekends there in 2014

Photos I took at Jessie's Grove in Lodi. We decided to check out the place where we were going to have our engagement pics taken...we loved it so much we ended up getting married there too!

Treasure Island San Francisco. Went there for a friends wedding and took a photo of the spot that my oldest and I used to fish at when he was still in diapers. A lot of great memories in that photo. It was nice to go back...nice to share that with Travis. I've yet to learn everything about my camera, but I plan to use the hell out of it in the months to come. Travis turns 36 in May, he doesn't know the details yet...but I have a full weekends worth of activities that I'm know will bring some new memories and great photos!

I've decided to pick just a few of the many good things I've experienced this year... I really could keep going and going but eventually I'd have somebody knocking on the door looking to be fed. Although there was a ton of loss and heartache over the year I've decided to focus on the good. Putting the rest to bed...and keeping the memories of the good with me. I'm so thankful for all the memories and the lessons...without them, I wouldn't be who I am today. I am motivated, determined, inspired, creative, loved, and happy...I am exactly where I need to be. I am doing exactly as I should be and there ain't a damn thing wrong with that! Here's to new friendships, and old ones who still hold strong. To those who believe in building you up instead of tearin you down. I've got life ahead of me... Goals and lifestyle changes and I'm takin the bull by the horns!!

"full throttle wide open...Don't stop til the job get's done..."

You'd better hold on tight baby!!!

where you invest your love...

It’s really sad to say that you “don’t care” or that you’re no longer going to give a shit about people you once cared about. Sometimes, though it’s that attitude that give you the strength that you need to do what’s in your best interest. By all means protect your children, eliminate unwanted negativity, and do what is best for you and yours. I mean really is there ever WANTED negativity? I guess for some, they like to have the world constantly spinning about in haze and ugliness. I’ll be the first to admit that eliminating by way of saying “I don’t care” is something I personally do myself. It’s not always true, matter of fact it’s rarely true. It’s just the shit I have to tell myself so I can have the courage to say, “I’m not going to care anymore”…

My problem though, is when these things are done, and for whatever reason there is immediate judgment on everyone who no longer fits the molds of the NEW moral high ground. Don’t forget who you are, who you may have been, or things that you’ve done in your past! Just because you’ve had success in learning to grow or make changes doesn’t mean you’re now in a place of authority that grants you free reign on judgment.

We all are guilty of doing it. Judging one person or another for various reasons. We are all guilty of talking shit, and all guilty of making poor choices. I’m guilty. I’ve done them all…and probably WILL do it again. Although I can safely say I try my best to not to judge others. When it happens, I remind myself that I am not perfect and I do not live in their shoes. I may not agree with it and shake my head at it but really it’s not my life. I have the right to stay and be a part of it, and the right to walk away. We all do. “Worry about your piece of the pie” … I heard that years ago and repeat it often.

I’ve taken my own road on more than one occasion. I’ve walked away from friendships and family members who’ve had negative impacts in my life. I’ve also forgiven and gone back on my feelings and accepted some of these people back in my life. The reasons I walked away in the first place had nothing to do with not caring. Just needed time to reevaluate the path I wanted to take in my own personal life. Knowing I had no right to ask or demand changes of these people, I had to make the choice to accept it fully even though I disagreed or to walk. In some cases I walked, and haven’t looked back. Others, I’ve said it’s ok to make an effort. I do so cautiously…but I allow myself to do so because 2nd chances and forgivness is in my heart. Trying to love without limits, it’s what I strive for… it comes easy with your children and your significant other. Not as easy with those outside your immediate circle.

I can’t be angry that somebody isn’t living up to my standards. I can’t be angry that they walk different paths than me and bash them or hold them accountable when they had no idea my standards for them ever existed. I can’t punish them by constantly kicking them in the ass when they aren’t looking and claim it was the guy next to me. Imagine how you’d feel if it was done to you? It’s a shitty feeling. I’ve been feeling it lately.

I’ve said it before and I’ll continue to say it… I am NOT perfect. I’m fat, I’m short, I curse a lot, I drink alcohol and sometimes I drink a lot, I’ve done things I am not proud of…and I often put my foot in my mouth. I see people I have been compared to growing up and see they aren’t perfect either. I realize I never should have allowed the comparisons hurt me as much as they did. I never should have allowed those who made the comparisons to have the energies they took from me. Some 16, 17 years later I see their own insecurities and realize they are comparing themselves to somebody too. Rather than point them out though, I just leave it alone. Because I’m nobody to point out everyone else’s faults.

The beauty of all of this, is that my husband still loves me. Yes, I said husband! It’s been awhile… and things have changed for me yet again. That’s another post, what was I saying? Oh yeah…My husband still loves me, and my children still love me…and most who know me that care to be a part of my life accept me as I am. For that I am thankful. It’s why I try hard to better myself in whatever ways I can…the little changes I make are enough to keep me moving forward and with that I can be happy.

I won’t judge you for choices you make to move yourself into a better place. I won’t judge you if you choose not to change at all and you are content to live your life exactly the same. Just don’t judge if I’m not able to be there, as I may need to make a change that puts our paths on separate roads. I’m tired of the ugliness that’s spreading like a wildfire… it’s starting young too. I hear my kids talking about thing happening in their schools and it makes me sad. Even at 8 years old they feel the same type of judgment I’m getting now at almost 36 years old.
You don’t have to like me, you don’t have to accept me or the choices that I make…it is ok. I understand!
BUT please hear this… I won’t stop going to the places I love because you might be there. I won’t stop talking to friends that I have because you don’t like them, or they may be your friends too. I won’t stop listening to the music that I love or dancing the way that I do, I won’t stop talking and I won’t stop being who I am…

because I’m ok with who I am.

“In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die…and where you invest your love, you invest your life…”

Skinny Bitch needs a table for 9...

"Being half dead wasn't what I planned to be
Now I'm ready to be free...So here I am it's in my hands
And I'll savor every moment of this
So here I am alive at last
And I'll savor every moment of this..."


So here I am...alive at last!! It's kind of weird saying it out loud. I can't take away from all the good and happy memories that I shared with my kids, loved ones, and friends...because in those times and moments I was very much alive and happy. I guess the best way to explain it is to go back a little bit.

I used to have to keep a list, It was called "5 things to be thankful for every day (other than family, friends, food)" I forced myself to find 5 things every day that I should be thankful for. Some days it was easy as I usually had good people around me which would result in happy days or great conversations that kept my mind from what was really going on. Other days, it would take me longer than it should have to come up with my list. Those days made me sad. Totally taking for granted the fact that I was alive each day as I struggled to find a reason I hadn't already listed days before. It wasn't until last night that I realized how much I wasn't LIVING my life as I should have been. Did I make the best of the life I had? Yes. I'd like to think so. Out of not 1 but 2 failed marriages I walked away with 4 amazing children that I'd give my life for at any given moment. I came away with new experiences. Ones I'll always remember for good and bad reasons. Most of all I came away with lessons learned. Oh yeah baby...I learned!! Definitely the most valuable thing next to my kids.

A friend reached out to me last night asking about my 2nd marriage and what happened that led to us finally separating...giving her the short version and hearing her reasons for wanting to know opened my eyes to what was in front of me. I'm typing away without hesitation thinking of the wonderful man in my life and how he has accepted my children and I into his life. How he much his sons remind me of their father, and always make me laugh with the way they interact with each other. The way they always find a way to make fun of me for my football team without fail...lol these turds just make my heart happy...and it hit me. I'm alive again. FULLY ALIVE!! Instead of a man to tell me how to act or look I have one who compliments me and enjoys the sassy side of me. He encourages me to speak my mind and always be honest. I've never had that! He tells me to stop dancing in public on occasion lol but I am used to that as my kids have been doing that to me since they could start talking. He knows I love music and I'm always dancing, so sometimes he doesn't say a word he just walks away. haha but he let's me do my thing because it's what makes me happy. He doesn't care if my legs aren't shaved or if I've brushed my teeth yet he will kiss me...and hug me first thing in the morning. He will tell me if I have a booger in my nose and tell me if I'm being bitchy and need to check my attitude. He's the first person I talk to every day and soon he will be the person I kiss good night, every night!

We both have a past...things that have hurt us, scarring us, and leaving us doubtful of future relationships. Understanding each others past and hesitation we may have we took a chance. The similarities were almost scary. That alone bonded us. We have started talking about "our home"...have started looking around online at places to rent for awhile before we buy a home of our own. We've casually planned our "redneck wedding" haha joking of course...well I was, definitely not wearing a coon hat as I ride a quad down the isle. Though I do like the idea of the quad ;) we aren't rushing into anything. Just talking...but I do enjoy knowing that I have someone in my life that I can imagine growing old with.

The skinny bitch inside me is still dying to get out...and she will forever be in there. Most likely choking on all the foods I manage to inhale haha I am very happy to say that I am slowing moving forward in a new direction with my blogging. After discussing it with him, and getting feedback from trusted friends and family my Skinny Bitch is going to transition into a blog that is a little more family focused, and a little less spur of the moment rants. Although I don't doubt that some will find their way in there. After all neither of us has ever attempted blending a family of 9 before. Travis has never had daughters before, and I've never had 6 boys in the house at the same time. Did I mention that we come from 3 different ethnic backgrounds?? and 2 very different religions as well!? With kids staying in different cities part time, Oh and there are Ex's we are dealing with and holy crap I have to feed everyone!? All while trying to stay on a budget...because we DO like to have fun too :) It's definitely not going to be an easy road...but I do trust it will be an entertaining one. As long as I have him by my side, I'm 100% sure we will get through it all and I look forward to every minute of it!! Table for 9 coming up... stay tuned!

Oh how things have changed...

Im currently in bed listening to my babies snore. The window is open and the cool breeze is flowing in, it feels amazing. Pandora is on Billy Currington radio and honestly I feel great. There was a time in my life I couldnt imagine sitting here, as a single mother again and truly being happy. Are there things I would change about my current situation? Hell yes! But not the things most would think of when hearing about me or my life.

I have had a so much shit thrown at me by people who have claimed to love me, and ya know maybe they did. Maybe they didnt know how to TRULY love, or how to truly show it...or how to LOVE ENOUGH that they couldnt do the right thing and end things properly. I dont know, but I have walked away from both with amazing children and that is all that matters now. I do thank them though, they have shown me what to look for...the signs. They have helped me grow into a mighty strong woman and a fiery one at that. They helped me to see that I DO deserve EVERYTHING in life that I truly desire and they helped me to see that NO MAN is worth putting your life and goals on hold for. For that I am thankful.

I get a kick out of all the questions I get about single life at my age...I am 33 years old and single. Yes. I am not dead... nothing needs to be "dusted off" lol thanks for the offers though. ;) I have come to the conclusion that the Gym is my new boyfriend. I go in work up a damn good sweat & walk funny afterwards...and I dont have to fake anything. No bullshit and I definitely dont have to make anyone a sammich when Im done. It works out nicely. Have no fear my lovies, I have not switched teams...I still LOVE men. I am just using my new eyes and way of thinking in my selection process. I will have fun enjoying single life as long as it takes for me to find the right one.

Oh yes lovies, things have changed...but most definitely for the better. I will not let a man break me. I am more than just his wife or ex wife...I am more than just their mother...he does not make me who I am, he is just a piece of who I was.