Tuesday, January 15, 2013

2013 Make it happen...

2013 Make It Happen has unofficially become my new mission. What exactly do I plan to make happen? Well a few things actually, I have a new mindset for the future of my children and myself. Although it’s not detailed or outlined I have a pretty good and clear idea of what it is I want and what needs to be done to reach these goals. As a very wise soul shared today, “Clarity is empowering” :) I couldn’t agree with that statement more.

Not sure that I should question or research the reasons for it all…but I do feel that things are happening in my life for a reason. I always see those motivational images with sayings about the people in your life being there for a reason. Good or bad they teach you a lesson, question is…do you have the clarity or open mind to see and accept what that lesson is?? I like to think that I did…but I can admit that often times I didn’t. I may realize the lesson in front of me, but didn’t accept what I needed to, to become a happier and healthier version of me.

I accept now my reasons for denying what I should have known. Accepting that friends & family would be anything but truthful and loyal was a hard pill to swallow. Constantly reminding me of their love and faithfulness to the relationship that we had and in the same breath lying to me, talking about me, using me, and taking advantage. Let’s face it; it’s not something anyone wants to accept. I spent a better part of the last year or so shaking my head at those who “did me wrong”. Thinking about it…allowing myself to return to the anger, frustration, and pain of losing another trusted friendship, completely forgetting that I needed to “let it go”. I came to that place once before, where I knew letting things go was the way to get through it all. Somehow I forgot that and slipped back into that place of bitterness and anger. I didn’t like it, no correction…I don’t like it.

A week or so ago, while sharing music with Travis… I listened to Tim McGraw’s “Live like you were dying” having this new person in my life and enjoying our time together we are sharing new experiences with one another. I thought given the past we’ve both experienced if he hadn’t heard this song it would be one that he could definitely appreciate. Reminded of my sister I sat and listened with tears in my eyes…

“And I loved deeper, and I spoke sweeter, and I gave forgiveness I've been denying, and he said someday I hope you get the chance, to live like you were dyin'…”

In that moment I knew what I had to do. Like I knew he would, Travis said it was a hard song to listen to, but he loved it. Loving the fact that it could touch him the same way it did me I realized so many things, like a ton of bricks it all hit me starting to make sense…it all got a little clearer. I needed to become that person I searched for in a friend. I accepted the part I had in the relationships that ended, and have forgiven the reasons they soured. I do not want to keep that alive any longer. With some I found, that although I’ve been able to forgive, it was still in my best interest to leave things alone. Not invite them in my life again. Instead I would accept that they are who they are and I can’t change that. The only thing left for me to do was decide if I truly wanted to be associated with the person that they are, make that choice, and move on.

“Like tomorrow was a gift and you've got eternity to think about what you do with it, what you could do with it, what I can do with it, what I would do with it…”

Travis and have talked of many things we’d like to do together. Some things we have already done and love to do with each other. There are places that have quickly become our favorites to go, songs we seem to always listen to when in his truck, and even habits formed when we spend our days and nights together. All in all good and happy things for the both of us. We have spoken of our future and ideas we have, it gives me a great feeling that we can find things we want to experience as partners. Makes me very happy knowing that we are on the same page as far things like that go.

I can’t say for sure what’s in store for us, my family, or me. I can only set goals for the things I want in life and put forth the effort to reach them. Having faith in me and the trusted few around me is key. Although ultimately its faith in myself that matters. Not losing sight of the important things, I realize that those who are no longer in my inner circle are no longer there for a reason. It’s ok to say to myself that these people are not good for me and I need to cut them loose. Appreciating things they’ve taught me and move on from what was. Towards the end of 2012 new people came into my life… though I didn’t know it then, they’ve become such huge roles in the person I strive to be today. For that I thank you!! I hope I can reach out to those individually and tell you how you’ve touched my life…still settling into this part of new me, I ask for patience. As it’s a side of me I’m not yet 100% comfortable with sharing.

2013 is going to be a better year, not only for the new experiences ahead of me or the difference I hope to make with others…but because I know this life is a gift and I plan to live each day as if it were my last.