Wednesday, December 19, 2012

emotionally fueled...

It's not often that I find myself in a position where I have so much shit in my head that I can't formulate a sentence. I guess its the level of shit going on that has me so dumbfounded. There is no denying that what happened in CT on the 14th was an absolute tragedy. Never in my right mind could I imagine the fears and pain that those families have suffered as a result. A day that should have been about giggles, pampering, and fun (my birthday) I sat watching footage of the school...listening to children and parents recount their story of the events that took place. Just shaking my head...asking myself like so many others around me "Why?" To have to go through such a horrific event at any age is unreal, but 5 years old??? I cant wrap my head around it. So many innocent lives taken away... its just not right.

Over and over in my head I think about the families. So close to the holidays having to plan for a funeral. Doesn't matter who it is, or their age. This is a time thats supposed to be a happy whimsical time of year, not one full of sadness, anger, and confusion. This is something I can related to on a personal level, not once but 3 times over. It's hard to bring yourself back from something like this. Hard to feel that joyous feeling inside when a part of you has been ripped away without a second to even blink. Youre left with an emptiness that is so deep and strong its enough to swallow you whole. It's not so easy to just pick up and be strong...I dont care what anyone says, it just isnt. No matter how well you present yourself to the public...youre dying inside. Which makes it worse. You don't feel free to grieve as you rightfully should.

It's really easy for those who aren't directly affected to point fingers and lay blame where THEY see fit. The media chooses to report things "as it unfolds" and fills our heads with things not always giving the whole story at that moment, I get it we don't always have that full story as its happening but its then that folks run away with what they've heard and the story is blasted all over the damn planet and next thing we know it was fucking aliens who came down to earth who prodded this boy for 13 years of his life that provided him a gun that was purchased through a site that offers advice on bomb makings and supplies at discounted rates and he did it cuz his mom didnt buy him the new video game he wanted. So fuck it...blame his mother. Or better yet...lets blame the video games cuz they taught him how to be a sharp shooter...and then lets blame music and booze and well fuck how bout the weather too, cuz it wasnt his kind of day. Maybe if it were warmer out he would have been in a happy place with the sun...none of this would have happened??? Yes...thats it.

NOW...this is my always everything I spew out on here is MINE and only mine. I can honestly say that this years election I saw side of people I've never seen before. I saw/heard people come out of their shells emotionally and speak publicly on their views regarding this nation and the million and one things going wrong with it. I don't think Ive ever been apart of something as emotionally charged as that. While I was pleasantly surprised by the voices speaking out I was honestly saddened by the amount of narrow minded opinions that were tossed around. Now, obviously Im not going to call anyone out on them (on here) as they are entitled to their thoughts and opinions...but man it was some real shit. Once again...emotion has taken over and the amount of garbage flying is enough to make me want to flee this damn country.

I continue to hear people blame his mother, blaming guns, blaming video games...and everything else under the damn sun. When truth of the matter is this kid had issues...and he was not right in his head and he did a horrible thing. Does this mean his mother failed him? That she didn't love him enough or show him enough attention? No. Was the idea of shooting up the school and killing those 26 people the cause of a video game he may or may not have played once? No. Was it the cause of one of the I think 4 guns on his person? Technically the ammo shot from those guns killed them, but NO. They didn't shoot themselves. What this boy had was a Chemical Imbalance, which causes Mental Illness. Which I am SURE a lot of people know can cause people to do things "normal" people wouldnt do.

Its easy to say he should have been medicated or hospitalized up or jailed, as I've seen. I can't help but wonder of those folks who make it sound so simple, have you ever dealt with this? Im guessing not in most cases. Until you have had to physically fight your child from attacking you, until you've had to create a "safe plan" with other your children, until you've had to watch your child be carted off by authorities or medics screaming "mom please dont do this" or until you decide to properly educate yourself on what mental illness is and what it can do to you, and realize that its NOT easy as YOU think...shut your damn mouths. You and I have it easy to walk in to our Doctors offices and say we are sick or have a problem and get help. We can walk into an E.R or an Urgent care and STILL get help or care we need. These people don't have that...even with insurance...and medications there is NO guarantee that their "illness" is fixed or under control. Its a life long battle.

*sighs* I can go round and round and the only thing that will come of this is my getting dizzy. Some people will never agree with anything I say and thats ok. All I ask is that before you decide to open your mouths and lay blame educate yourself. Think about the things that are coming out of your mouth. As many of us like to live in our own lil worlds, truth of the matter is we are not all beautiful. We are not all smart, we are not all "normal" or right in the head and some people do some senseless things that cause our real world to stop spinning. Accept that not everyone will agree with you and that not ALL laws are created for right reasons. Don't judge because you dont understand. Take the time to learn.

What happened December 14th was a truly a day that we will never forget. My heart, thoughts, and prayers go to EVERYONE involved. There is nothing at this point that will ease the pain of your loss and for that I am sorry.


  1. Perfectly said, thanks :)

  2. Nailed it! Way too many people are narrow minded and that is what makes living here so hard. I too want to speak my mind, but for what? To be openly criticized over and over by people that lean so far on either side of the fence that their vision is clouded? No thanks. I will sit here and dwell ON the fence and continue my attempts at being a light in this world.

  3. I hear you! And have spent a long time on my own much time that it drove me mad. I have to spill it or my will be yanked out! Those who judge me are free to do so...those who get me and understand are welcoming. Those are the only ones that matter. I spent too much time staying quiet. I love the weight being lifted feeling after o hit publish. Its a good feeling. And well sometimes i just don't give a shit. Lol but thanks for your words. I love me so happy to know others agree and comprehend. I feel a lil normal. =}