Sometimes I dont feel like a smile...

I cant help but enjoy the time I get to spend sitting out by the lake. Id rather spend my days out here lost in thought, than doing some of the things I used to enjoy doing. Little by little ive noticed other things changing too. I havent been able to decide yet if theyre for the better, but I guess time will tell.

Recently ive found myself thinking of you more. Im not sure what it is, its not your birthday or anniversary...not one of the holidays we enjoyed spending together, but youre on my mind daily. Maybe I just need you here? Amazing friends and family surround me...but nobody can replace you.

I listened to all your songs the other day. Sang along like nobody was listening, but I know they could hear me. You never cared what people said or thought of you, something I always admired of you. Something I always wanted to be. Of course now I think ive turned it into a way of pushing people away. Just wash my hands of it all...seems to be easier to go about my day without it. I dunno...

I just keep smiling and going about my business. Its the only way I know how to do things anymore. People compliment me often on how well I deal with things, I really wonder what they would think of me on those days that the smiles are so fake and forced I feel like my face is gonna crack...i guess we all have our bad days. I keep going back to this song we played for you...

"youll find that life is still worth while...if you just smile..."

But what if I just dont feel like smiling?

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