Skinny Bitch needs a table for 9...

"Being half dead wasn't what I planned to be
Now I'm ready to be free...So here I am it's in my hands
And I'll savor every moment of this
So here I am alive at last
And I'll savor every moment of this..."


So here I am...alive at last!! It's kind of weird saying it out loud. I can't take away from all the good and happy memories that I shared with my kids, loved ones, and friends...because in those times and moments I was very much alive and happy. I guess the best way to explain it is to go back a little bit.

I used to have to keep a list, It was called "5 things to be thankful for every day (other than family, friends, food)" I forced myself to find 5 things every day that I should be thankful for. Some days it was easy as I usually had good people around me which would result in happy days or great conversations that kept my mind from what was really going on. Other days, it would take me longer than it should have to come up with my list. Those days made me sad. Totally taking for granted the fact that I was alive each day as I struggled to find a reason I hadn't already listed days before. It wasn't until last night that I realized how much I wasn't LIVING my life as I should have been. Did I make the best of the life I had? Yes. I'd like to think so. Out of not 1 but 2 failed marriages I walked away with 4 amazing children that I'd give my life for at any given moment. I came away with new experiences. Ones I'll always remember for good and bad reasons. Most of all I came away with lessons learned. Oh yeah baby...I learned!! Definitely the most valuable thing next to my kids.

A friend reached out to me last night asking about my 2nd marriage and what happened that led to us finally separating...giving her the short version and hearing her reasons for wanting to know opened my eyes to what was in front of me. I'm typing away without hesitation thinking of the wonderful man in my life and how he has accepted my children and I into his life. How he much his sons remind me of their father, and always make me laugh with the way they interact with each other. The way they always find a way to make fun of me for my football team without fail...lol these turds just make my heart happy...and it hit me. I'm alive again. FULLY ALIVE!! Instead of a man to tell me how to act or look I have one who compliments me and enjoys the sassy side of me. He encourages me to speak my mind and always be honest. I've never had that! He tells me to stop dancing in public on occasion lol but I am used to that as my kids have been doing that to me since they could start talking. He knows I love music and I'm always dancing, so sometimes he doesn't say a word he just walks away. haha but he let's me do my thing because it's what makes me happy. He doesn't care if my legs aren't shaved or if I've brushed my teeth yet he will kiss me...and hug me first thing in the morning. He will tell me if I have a booger in my nose and tell me if I'm being bitchy and need to check my attitude. He's the first person I talk to every day and soon he will be the person I kiss good night, every night!

We both have a past...things that have hurt us, scarring us, and leaving us doubtful of future relationships. Understanding each others past and hesitation we may have we took a chance. The similarities were almost scary. That alone bonded us. We have started talking about "our home"...have started looking around online at places to rent for awhile before we buy a home of our own. We've casually planned our "redneck wedding" haha joking of course...well I was, definitely not wearing a coon hat as I ride a quad down the isle. Though I do like the idea of the quad ;) we aren't rushing into anything. Just talking...but I do enjoy knowing that I have someone in my life that I can imagine growing old with.

The skinny bitch inside me is still dying to get out...and she will forever be in there. Most likely choking on all the foods I manage to inhale haha I am very happy to say that I am slowing moving forward in a new direction with my blogging. After discussing it with him, and getting feedback from trusted friends and family my Skinny Bitch is going to transition into a blog that is a little more family focused, and a little less spur of the moment rants. Although I don't doubt that some will find their way in there. After all neither of us has ever attempted blending a family of 9 before. Travis has never had daughters before, and I've never had 6 boys in the house at the same time. Did I mention that we come from 3 different ethnic backgrounds?? and 2 very different religions as well!? With kids staying in different cities part time, Oh and there are Ex's we are dealing with and holy crap I have to feed everyone!? All while trying to stay on a budget...because we DO like to have fun too :) It's definitely not going to be an easy road...but I do trust it will be an entertaining one. As long as I have him by my side, I'm 100% sure we will get through it all and I look forward to every minute of it!! Table for 9 coming up... stay tuned!

whatever...

Well well well...look who finally showed up!! Yes, Ive been M.I.A a while...Ive done a really good job and keeping myself out of "trouble" and keeping my thoughts and rants SEMI contained...although lately Ive really wondered why? Maybe it was a sense of trying to protect people? not wanting to hurt feelings? Or just tired of saying what I feel and not being heard? Either way Ive come to that point again where it has to come out or that Skinny bitch inside me is finally going to make an appearance, not by way of diet and exercise but by my big ass just plain and simply exploding!

It would be so much easier if I sat here and posted lyrics to get my point across, but lately Ive realized that some are too closed minded to even get something as simple as a song. Im tired. Trying to keep myself together as a single mother is a hard fucking job. Never mind trying to keep it together for friends and family too. Wanting to be there for every friend in need is something thats not possible, maybe in a perfect world but mine is far from perfect.

I always say dont ask me if youre looking for a sugarcoated bullshit answer...Ive joked of making it into a shirt or even a tattoo. I really should come with a warning label as it seems most still just dont get it and end up "upset" with me and my mouth. I refuse to apologize for honesty...or the fact that some folks live in denial. We all have fucking issues...we all have problems in life anyone who says they dont have something thats wrong, messed up, or just fucked up is lying. It comes in different levels for us all, but who the fuck are YOU to judge? I KNOW my problems, I know my issues. I KNOW what in my life could use changing and needs to be fixed. I fully accept who I am what Ive done in life good and bad and I make no excuses. I drink because I like to drink. I have sex because I like to have sex I cuss because I like to do it I dont wear red because I dislike the 9ers haha just kidding but you get where Im going with it right?? Im not making excuses for what I do Im open and honest...for someone to sit and tell me "that comes from somewhere, you have something deep down in you causing that" wow...just makes me shake my head at that.

Who the fuck are you?? There is nothing "wrong" with me for liking the things that I like...its not like Im out fucking goats or stealing babies, although I have joked about stealing lil ginger babies I see...But seriously can somebody tell me Where did all these judgmental people come from? I had no idea it was getting so bad within my own circle. I do understand how people become jaded and turn "angry" I see that, and Ive been there and have felt that just unhappy...with life in general. Its an easy place to live, in the dark. Youre usually lonely there though. Lately Ive decided that those people, those ones who like it there in the dark are the ones that I really just dont want around me. I need people who have open minds, who can find good in bad situations. People who can laugh at life and know that the world isnt going to end because things dont go your way. People who can hear a song like "Im Alive" by Kenny Chesney and Dave Matthews and just GET IT! If you havent heard that song you should...Some of you should put that shit on repeat until it sinks in. This is the only life you have, spending it obsessed with the past or the bullshit thats happened to you or WORSE the lives that other people are living is just sad. I never knew that my life was so interesting that you sit & pick me apart. Learn from your bullshit, your fuck ups, the pain...those are the BEST lessons in life. The ones that hurt or have caused you to feel, especially if what you felt was true pain. Emotional or physical its a lesson worth remembering.

Think twice on the shit you say. If youre not confident and secure with yourself the last thing you should do is open your mouth about others. Remember when you speak on others and spit out that shit you dislike about somebody, as it could be describing something about the person youre sitting next to, that you have the nerve to call a friend. You dont know what people keep hidden inside. or in my case...whats right in front of you, youre just too caught up in yourself to see...

Its just been on my mind...

Page after page, rant after rant...i sit lost in thought. I see whats being written and hear whats being said, but honestly its all a bit muffled by silence.

Its something ive caught on to over the past couple of years. Thanks to the position I held at my job, I was able to see on more than one occasion how loud a silent person could scream. With those screams still very fresh in my mind...i listen for new sounds, rarely able to drown out the ones that constantly replay in my head. Til now.

Its so easy to get caught up in whats going on around you. So easy to forget there are people around you in your daily life that may be going through some of the hardest days in their lives, silently crying out. I can honestly say, even with the family and friends I have around me always supporting me there are times that ive actually still felt alone. Its not a good feeling...as a 33 year old woman. Im not sure id be able to deal with it being alone, literally without family by your side.

Ive spent the last couple of days with several people on my mind. Ive felt a bundle of mixed emotions for them. The pain & sorrow they struggle with makes me want to reach out any way I can...trying to help or at least stand by as they deal with whatever is going on. Silently crying my own tears...

Im taken back to a place where I feel horrible for not being a better friend. Not being able to offer more...or not seeing sooner, that you needed an ear or a hug. Truth of the matter is ive been needing an ear and a hug too. Just havent been so quick to admit it. Til now. I deal with things in an odd way. I let it all build up and continue to say im ok ill be fine while its wearing me out and making me so tired I cant see strait. Then break. Fall apart, lose myself in tears and emotions I brewed for too long. Pick myself back up...and knock shit out of the way again. Head on, full force...the only way I know how. Some people though, dont know how or cant pick back up as fast or as often as I do. Or think I do.

Ive started taking a closer look at those around me, those who truly mean something to me...and have realized a lot of them are silently crying to. I know people are busy and have their own lives and their own bullshit to deal with on a daily basis...and I dont judge anyone for doing what they gotta do handling their business, but dont ever underestimate the power of your words. Your hugs or "good thoughts just because". Even if they arent willing to accept what youve put out there...its an amazing feeling to know somebody has you in their thoughts just becuase.

Things may not be as id like them to be at the moment...but "im alive...and thats good enough for me."