where you invest your love...

It’s really sad to say that you “don’t care” or that you’re no longer going to give a shit about people you once cared about. Sometimes, though it’s that attitude that give you the strength that you need to do what’s in your best interest. By all means protect your children, eliminate unwanted negativity, and do what is best for you and yours. I mean really is there ever WANTED negativity? I guess for some, they like to have the world constantly spinning about in haze and ugliness. I’ll be the first to admit that eliminating by way of saying “I don’t care” is something I personally do myself. It’s not always true, matter of fact it’s rarely true. It’s just the shit I have to tell myself so I can have the courage to say, “I’m not going to care anymore”…

My problem though, is when these things are done, and for whatever reason there is immediate judgment on everyone who no longer fits the molds of the NEW moral high ground. Don’t forget who you are, who you may have been, or things that you’ve done in your past! Just because you’ve had success in learning to grow or make changes doesn’t mean you’re now in a place of authority that grants you free reign on judgment.

We all are guilty of doing it. Judging one person or another for various reasons. We are all guilty of talking shit, and all guilty of making poor choices. I’m guilty. I’ve done them all…and probably WILL do it again. Although I can safely say I try my best to not to judge others. When it happens, I remind myself that I am not perfect and I do not live in their shoes. I may not agree with it and shake my head at it but really it’s not my life. I have the right to stay and be a part of it, and the right to walk away. We all do. “Worry about your piece of the pie” … I heard that years ago and repeat it often.

I’ve taken my own road on more than one occasion. I’ve walked away from friendships and family members who’ve had negative impacts in my life. I’ve also forgiven and gone back on my feelings and accepted some of these people back in my life. The reasons I walked away in the first place had nothing to do with not caring. Just needed time to reevaluate the path I wanted to take in my own personal life. Knowing I had no right to ask or demand changes of these people, I had to make the choice to accept it fully even though I disagreed or to walk. In some cases I walked, and haven’t looked back. Others, I’ve said it’s ok to make an effort. I do so cautiously…but I allow myself to do so because 2nd chances and forgivness is in my heart. Trying to love without limits, it’s what I strive for… it comes easy with your children and your significant other. Not as easy with those outside your immediate circle.

I can’t be angry that somebody isn’t living up to my standards. I can’t be angry that they walk different paths than me and bash them or hold them accountable when they had no idea my standards for them ever existed. I can’t punish them by constantly kicking them in the ass when they aren’t looking and claim it was the guy next to me. Imagine how you’d feel if it was done to you? It’s a shitty feeling. I’ve been feeling it lately.

I’ve said it before and I’ll continue to say it… I am NOT perfect. I’m fat, I’m short, I curse a lot, I drink alcohol and sometimes I drink a lot, I’ve done things I am not proud of…and I often put my foot in my mouth. I see people I have been compared to growing up and see they aren’t perfect either. I realize I never should have allowed the comparisons hurt me as much as they did. I never should have allowed those who made the comparisons to have the energies they took from me. Some 16, 17 years later I see their own insecurities and realize they are comparing themselves to somebody too. Rather than point them out though, I just leave it alone. Because I’m nobody to point out everyone else’s faults.

The beauty of all of this, is that my husband still loves me. Yes, I said husband! It’s been awhile… and things have changed for me yet again. That’s another post, what was I saying? Oh yeah…My husband still loves me, and my children still love me…and most who know me that care to be a part of my life accept me as I am. For that I am thankful. It’s why I try hard to better myself in whatever ways I can…the little changes I make are enough to keep me moving forward and with that I can be happy.

I won’t judge you for choices you make to move yourself into a better place. I won’t judge you if you choose not to change at all and you are content to live your life exactly the same. Just don’t judge if I’m not able to be there, as I may need to make a change that puts our paths on separate roads. I’m tired of the ugliness that’s spreading like a wildfire… it’s starting young too. I hear my kids talking about thing happening in their schools and it makes me sad. Even at 8 years old they feel the same type of judgment I’m getting now at almost 36 years old.
You don’t have to like me, you don’t have to accept me or the choices that I make…it is ok. I understand!
BUT please hear this… I won’t stop going to the places I love because you might be there. I won’t stop talking to friends that I have because you don’t like them, or they may be your friends too. I won’t stop listening to the music that I love or dancing the way that I do, I won’t stop talking and I won’t stop being who I am…

because I’m ok with who I am.

“In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die…and where you invest your love, you invest your life…”

whatever...

Well well well...look who finally showed up!! Yes, Ive been M.I.A a while...Ive done a really good job and keeping myself out of "trouble" and keeping my thoughts and rants SEMI contained...although lately Ive really wondered why? Maybe it was a sense of trying to protect people? not wanting to hurt feelings? Or just tired of saying what I feel and not being heard? Either way Ive come to that point again where it has to come out or that Skinny bitch inside me is finally going to make an appearance, not by way of diet and exercise but by my big ass just plain and simply exploding!

It would be so much easier if I sat here and posted lyrics to get my point across, but lately Ive realized that some are too closed minded to even get something as simple as a song. Im tired. Trying to keep myself together as a single mother is a hard fucking job. Never mind trying to keep it together for friends and family too. Wanting to be there for every friend in need is something thats not possible, maybe in a perfect world but mine is far from perfect.

I always say dont ask me if youre looking for a sugarcoated bullshit answer...Ive joked of making it into a shirt or even a tattoo. I really should come with a warning label as it seems most still just dont get it and end up "upset" with me and my mouth. I refuse to apologize for honesty...or the fact that some folks live in denial. We all have fucking issues...we all have problems in life anyone who says they dont have something thats wrong, messed up, or just fucked up is lying. It comes in different levels for us all, but who the fuck are YOU to judge? I KNOW my problems, I know my issues. I KNOW what in my life could use changing and needs to be fixed. I fully accept who I am what Ive done in life good and bad and I make no excuses. I drink because I like to drink. I have sex because I like to have sex I cuss because I like to do it I dont wear red because I dislike the 9ers haha just kidding but you get where Im going with it right?? Im not making excuses for what I do Im open and honest...for someone to sit and tell me "that comes from somewhere, you have something deep down in you causing that" wow...just makes me shake my head at that.

Who the fuck are you?? There is nothing "wrong" with me for liking the things that I like...its not like Im out fucking goats or stealing babies, although I have joked about stealing lil ginger babies I see...But seriously can somebody tell me Where did all these judgmental people come from? I had no idea it was getting so bad within my own circle. I do understand how people become jaded and turn "angry" I see that, and Ive been there and have felt that just unhappy...with life in general. Its an easy place to live, in the dark. Youre usually lonely there though. Lately Ive decided that those people, those ones who like it there in the dark are the ones that I really just dont want around me. I need people who have open minds, who can find good in bad situations. People who can laugh at life and know that the world isnt going to end because things dont go your way. People who can hear a song like "Im Alive" by Kenny Chesney and Dave Matthews and just GET IT! If you havent heard that song you should...Some of you should put that shit on repeat until it sinks in. This is the only life you have, spending it obsessed with the past or the bullshit thats happened to you or WORSE the lives that other people are living is just sad. I never knew that my life was so interesting that you sit & pick me apart. Learn from your bullshit, your fuck ups, the pain...those are the BEST lessons in life. The ones that hurt or have caused you to feel, especially if what you felt was true pain. Emotional or physical its a lesson worth remembering.

Think twice on the shit you say. If youre not confident and secure with yourself the last thing you should do is open your mouth about others. Remember when you speak on others and spit out that shit you dislike about somebody, as it could be describing something about the person youre sitting next to, that you have the nerve to call a friend. You dont know what people keep hidden inside. or in my case...whats right in front of you, youre just too caught up in yourself to see...