2013 Make it happen...

2013 Make It Happen has unofficially become my new mission. What exactly do I plan to make happen? Well a few things actually, I have a new mindset for the future of my children and myself. Although it’s not detailed or outlined I have a pretty good and clear idea of what it is I want and what needs to be done to reach these goals. As a very wise soul shared today, “Clarity is empowering” :) I couldn’t agree with that statement more.

Not sure that I should question or research the reasons for it all…but I do feel that things are happening in my life for a reason. I always see those motivational images with sayings about the people in your life being there for a reason. Good or bad they teach you a lesson, question is…do you have the clarity or open mind to see and accept what that lesson is?? I like to think that I did…but I can admit that often times I didn’t. I may realize the lesson in front of me, but didn’t accept what I needed to, to become a happier and healthier version of me.

I accept now my reasons for denying what I should have known. Accepting that friends & family would be anything but truthful and loyal was a hard pill to swallow. Constantly reminding me of their love and faithfulness to the relationship that we had and in the same breath lying to me, talking about me, using me, and taking advantage. Let’s face it; it’s not something anyone wants to accept. I spent a better part of the last year or so shaking my head at those who “did me wrong”. Thinking about it…allowing myself to return to the anger, frustration, and pain of losing another trusted friendship, completely forgetting that I needed to “let it go”. I came to that place once before, where I knew letting things go was the way to get through it all. Somehow I forgot that and slipped back into that place of bitterness and anger. I didn’t like it, no correction…I don’t like it.

A week or so ago, while sharing music with Travis… I listened to Tim McGraw’s “Live like you were dying” having this new person in my life and enjoying our time together we are sharing new experiences with one another. I thought given the past we’ve both experienced if he hadn’t heard this song it would be one that he could definitely appreciate. Reminded of my sister I sat and listened with tears in my eyes…

“And I loved deeper, and I spoke sweeter, and I gave forgiveness I've been denying, and he said someday I hope you get the chance, to live like you were dyin'…”

In that moment I knew what I had to do. Like I knew he would, Travis said it was a hard song to listen to, but he loved it. Loving the fact that it could touch him the same way it did me I realized so many things, like a ton of bricks it all hit me starting to make sense…it all got a little clearer. I needed to become that person I searched for in a friend. I accepted the part I had in the relationships that ended, and have forgiven the reasons they soured. I do not want to keep that alive any longer. With some I found, that although I’ve been able to forgive, it was still in my best interest to leave things alone. Not invite them in my life again. Instead I would accept that they are who they are and I can’t change that. The only thing left for me to do was decide if I truly wanted to be associated with the person that they are, make that choice, and move on.

“Like tomorrow was a gift and you've got eternity to think about what you do with it, what you could do with it, what I can do with it, what I would do with it…”

Travis and have talked of many things we’d like to do together. Some things we have already done and love to do with each other. There are places that have quickly become our favorites to go, songs we seem to always listen to when in his truck, and even habits formed when we spend our days and nights together. All in all good and happy things for the both of us. We have spoken of our future and ideas we have, it gives me a great feeling that we can find things we want to experience as partners. Makes me very happy knowing that we are on the same page as far things like that go.

I can’t say for sure what’s in store for us, my family, or me. I can only set goals for the things I want in life and put forth the effort to reach them. Having faith in me and the trusted few around me is key. Although ultimately its faith in myself that matters. Not losing sight of the important things, I realize that those who are no longer in my inner circle are no longer there for a reason. It’s ok to say to myself that these people are not good for me and I need to cut them loose. Appreciating things they’ve taught me and move on from what was. Towards the end of 2012 new people came into my life… though I didn’t know it then, they’ve become such huge roles in the person I strive to be today. For that I thank you!! I hope I can reach out to those individually and tell you how you’ve touched my life…still settling into this part of new me, I ask for patience. As it’s a side of me I’m not yet 100% comfortable with sharing.

2013 is going to be a better year, not only for the new experiences ahead of me or the difference I hope to make with others…but because I know this life is a gift and I plan to live each day as if it were my last.

emotionally fueled...

It's not often that I find myself in a position where I have so much shit in my head that I can't formulate a sentence. I guess its the level of shit going on that has me so dumbfounded. There is no denying that what happened in CT on the 14th was an absolute tragedy. Never in my right mind could I imagine the fears and pain that those families have suffered as a result. A day that should have been about giggles, pampering, and fun (my birthday) I sat watching footage of the school...listening to children and parents recount their story of the events that took place. Just shaking my head...asking myself like so many others around me "Why?" To have to go through such a horrific event at any age is unreal, but 5 years old??? I cant wrap my head around it. So many innocent lives taken away... its just not right.

Over and over in my head I think about the families. So close to the holidays having to plan for a funeral. Doesn't matter who it is, or their age. This is a time thats supposed to be a happy whimsical time of year, not one full of sadness, anger, and confusion. This is something I can related to on a personal level, not once but 3 times over. It's hard to bring yourself back from something like this. Hard to feel that joyous feeling inside when a part of you has been ripped away without a second to even blink. Youre left with an emptiness that is so deep and strong its enough to swallow you whole. It's not so easy to just pick up and be strong...I dont care what anyone says, it just isnt. No matter how well you present yourself to the public...youre dying inside. Which makes it worse. You don't feel free to grieve as you rightfully should.

It's really easy for those who aren't directly affected to point fingers and lay blame where THEY see fit. The media chooses to report things "as it unfolds" and fills our heads with things not always giving the whole story at that moment, I get it we don't always have that full story as its happening but its then that folks run away with what they've heard and the story is blasted all over the damn planet and next thing we know it was fucking aliens who came down to earth who prodded this boy for 13 years of his life that provided him a gun that was purchased through a site that offers advice on bomb makings and supplies at discounted rates and he did it cuz his mom didnt buy him the new video game he wanted. So fuck it...blame his mother. Or better yet...lets blame the video games cuz they taught him how to be a sharp shooter...and then lets blame music and booze and well fuck how bout the weather too, cuz it wasnt his kind of day. Maybe if it were warmer out he would have been in a happy place with the sun...none of this would have happened??? Yes...thats it.

NOW...this is my opinion...as always everything I spew out on here is MINE and only mine. I can honestly say that this years election I saw side of people I've never seen before. I saw/heard people come out of their shells emotionally and speak publicly on their views regarding this nation and the million and one things going wrong with it. I don't think Ive ever been apart of something as emotionally charged as that. While I was pleasantly surprised by the voices speaking out I was honestly saddened by the amount of narrow minded opinions that were tossed around. Now, obviously Im not going to call anyone out on them (on here) as they are entitled to their thoughts and opinions...but man it was some real shit. Once again...emotion has taken over and the amount of garbage flying is enough to make me want to flee this damn country.

I continue to hear people blame his mother, blaming guns, blaming video games...and everything else under the damn sun. When truth of the matter is this kid had issues...and he was not right in his head and he did a horrible thing. Does this mean his mother failed him? That she didn't love him enough or show him enough attention? No. Was the idea of shooting up the school and killing those 26 people the cause of a video game he may or may not have played once? No. Was it the cause of one of the I think 4 guns on his person? Technically the ammo shot from those guns killed them, but NO. They didn't shoot themselves. What this boy had was a Chemical Imbalance, which causes Mental Illness. Which I am SURE a lot of people know can cause people to do things "normal" people wouldnt do.

Its easy to say he should have been medicated or hospitalized up or jailed, as I've seen. I can't help but wonder of those folks who make it sound so simple, have you ever dealt with this? Im guessing not in most cases. Until you have had to physically fight your child from attacking you, until you've had to create a "safe plan" with other your children, until you've had to watch your child be carted off by authorities or medics screaming "mom please dont do this" or until you decide to properly educate yourself on what mental illness is and what it can do to you, and realize that its NOT easy as YOU think...shut your damn mouths. You and I have it easy to walk in to our Doctors offices and say we are sick or have a problem and get help. We can walk into an E.R or an Urgent care and STILL get help or care we need. These people don't have that...even with insurance...and medications there is NO guarantee that their "illness" is fixed or under control. Its a life long battle.

*sighs* I can go round and round and the only thing that will come of this is my getting dizzy. Some people will never agree with anything I say and thats ok. All I ask is that before you decide to open your mouths and lay blame educate yourself. Think about the things that are coming out of your mouth. As many of us like to live in our own lil worlds, truth of the matter is we are not all beautiful. We are not all smart, we are not all "normal" or right in the head and some people do some senseless things that cause our real world to stop spinning. Accept that not everyone will agree with you and that not ALL laws are created for right reasons. Don't judge because you dont understand. Take the time to learn.

What happened December 14th was a truly a day that we will never forget. My heart, thoughts, and prayers go to EVERYONE involved. There is nothing at this point that will ease the pain of your loss and for that I am sorry.

Time has brought your heart to me...

"Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this..."

That time of year is upon us. Most who know me know that this is the time of year that I would wish to skip all together, would love to sleep through and wake up with the new year at my feet. For those of you who don't know me so well, the short of it...its the anniversary of both my grandparents and sisters death. Sadly several years apart the same week. The week of Christmas. Although it's been a few years since my sisters death Ive not fully come to that point in my life where I am comforted by the fact that she is in a better place. Some days I can find that comfort, other days Ive got nothing but anger and frustration over a life that was cut way too short.

Every year Ive told myself I'd be ok and survive this month with little to no tears...and every year I fail miserably. I attempt the happy face and attempt to find some holiday spirit but honestly its just not there. Without giving into the full blown sadness that I feel Ive decided that this year Im just not going to give a shit about making others happy with my fake holiday spirit. I am 100% ok with it. You should be too.

The last month has been one of the hardest Ive dealt with in a long time. Mixed emotions left and right. Each morning afraid to open my eyes, not sure how I'd handle the changes that were taking place. My reasons for waking up each and every day were no longer there...in a heartbeat my life was changed. Much like a loved one who was taken too soon. I was taken back to that point again. It wasnt a good feeling.

Smack dab in the middle of the chaos that was my life, somebody walked into my life. He came in during a time that I would have pushed anyone else away and not have thought twice about it...he did nothing to "sell" himself as this amazing person or totally perfect man that I should give a chance. He didn't spend hours on end to show me how cool he was or how girls fall at his feet...or offer to buy me a bunch of shit I didnt want or need. He simply offered to listen. Explained that he had been in my situation and knew how it felt and said he would listen, no judgement...not even offer advice if it wasn't what I was looking for, but listen. Before I knew it, I was pouring my heart out to this stranger. Not even realizing at that moment there was a bond forming between the two of us.

Every day that passed more and more was shared between us. Feeling as if I was looking into a mirror sometimes, I couldn't believe the things we had in common. Having somebody who shares the same passions as you is one thing. Having somebody who has shared the same kind of loss and pain as you is another. It brings you to a different level of caring and understanding. Thats something more precious to me than any material item in a thousand lifetimes. Some have seen changes in me and have gone so far as to point them out. Some have been super supportive and have expressed genuine happiness for the new person in my life and that makes my heart happy.

Although he is a very important person in my life, he is not my whole life. Suggesting that my life should be better and I shouldnt have reason for the sadness that I feel is pretty lame. I spent a better part of the last 2 years single and enjoyed damn near every moment of it. Had it not been for this person sneaking his way into my life Id still be single and more than ok with it. I don't need a man in my life to make me feel complete. Nor do I need a man at my side to go out and enjoy myself. He is somebody who gets me like no other and accepts me 100% the way that I am. As much as I would like to say my friends are the same, its plain and simple most aren't. Some have expressed feelings of his impact on me, saying that he's changing me... :) bless you! haha Its about all I can say. Clearly you weren't paying attention much in the prior months as I've pulled myself away from a lot of things, places, and people before Travis was even a part of my life. Funny thing, an outsiders point of view. Yeah sometimes you just need somebody else to show you what you didnt have the heart to admit yourself.

Im not sure whats in store for the two of us...I can only say that the last month I've spent with you has been one of the most rewarding Ive spent getting to know anyone in almost 35 years. You came in during at a time that I thought Id lost myself and showed me that there are still people out there who can care about someone nothing expected in return. You helped me see that I am still very capable of sharing my heart with another...and that it IS possible to be me 100% without fear of judgement. You accept my quirks, crankiness, geekiness, and everything in between...whatever happens from here on out I am thankful that you are in my life. I cant ask for a better friend or partner. I look forward to whatever comes our way.

"I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more..."

im dizzy...

Having to restrict or filter yourself is such a shitty feeling. Im not good with filters. Writing and saying whats in my head has always been my release. Honestly Im still real tempted to say to hell with it all. Lord knows the shit on my mind isnt a lie...

The last few days Ive had so many things and people in my head. Almost felt like the kid in 6th sense with all the people in his head...only most of mine werent dead. *filters herself* Yes...its come to this. Filters...what a fucking crock. I shall state for the record I do not wish any sort of harm, pain, death...or anything of the sort on ANYBODY...yes I said ANYBODY.

Im completely lost and so incredibly happy at the same time. Serious clusterfuck of emotion. A daily struggle of keeping my head above water and attempting to not lose myself while falling for the most amazing eyes Ive ever looked into... it would be my luck that the two happen at the same time. If I end up bald from stress I wonder if he will still want me? That would definitely be love...my head is shaped like a butt!

sad...I dont think Ive struggled this much before getting things out. Maybe its not meant to be said yet. Yeah a lot of shit sucks ass right now, but I also have a lot of great things going on too. Somebody has managed to walk into my life and has the key I didnt think would ever be found again. Not like this... its actually scary but so perfect at the same time. He brings happy thoughts and emotions during a time that I need it most...and in the most genuine ways. There is no way it could ever be wrong. Regardless of what happens between the two of us I know he is in my life for a reason.

He gave me music...not sure I need to say anything else. Well I couldnt...SHOULDNT. SOOO I wont...yeah i know it probably makes no sense...probably just a jumbled mess of garbage. Welcome to my head. If I were you, Id look for an exit. Clearly my head isnt suitable for everyone.

Since Im unable to say as I feel...I resort to the lyrics in my head...


"I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain..."


***Please note that I am not seeking advice. Relationship or otherwise. Im just clearing my head. I know what Im doing. Thank you for your love and support.

whatever...

Well well well...look who finally showed up!! Yes, Ive been M.I.A a while...Ive done a really good job and keeping myself out of "trouble" and keeping my thoughts and rants SEMI contained...although lately Ive really wondered why? Maybe it was a sense of trying to protect people? not wanting to hurt feelings? Or just tired of saying what I feel and not being heard? Either way Ive come to that point again where it has to come out or that Skinny bitch inside me is finally going to make an appearance, not by way of diet and exercise but by my big ass just plain and simply exploding!

It would be so much easier if I sat here and posted lyrics to get my point across, but lately Ive realized that some are too closed minded to even get something as simple as a song. Im tired. Trying to keep myself together as a single mother is a hard fucking job. Never mind trying to keep it together for friends and family too. Wanting to be there for every friend in need is something thats not possible, maybe in a perfect world but mine is far from perfect.

I always say dont ask me if youre looking for a sugarcoated bullshit answer...Ive joked of making it into a shirt or even a tattoo. I really should come with a warning label as it seems most still just dont get it and end up "upset" with me and my mouth. I refuse to apologize for honesty...or the fact that some folks live in denial. We all have fucking issues...we all have problems in life anyone who says they dont have something thats wrong, messed up, or just fucked up is lying. It comes in different levels for us all, but who the fuck are YOU to judge? I KNOW my problems, I know my issues. I KNOW what in my life could use changing and needs to be fixed. I fully accept who I am what Ive done in life good and bad and I make no excuses. I drink because I like to drink. I have sex because I like to have sex I cuss because I like to do it I dont wear red because I dislike the 9ers haha just kidding but you get where Im going with it right?? Im not making excuses for what I do Im open and honest...for someone to sit and tell me "that comes from somewhere, you have something deep down in you causing that" wow...just makes me shake my head at that.

Who the fuck are you?? There is nothing "wrong" with me for liking the things that I like...its not like Im out fucking goats or stealing babies, although I have joked about stealing lil ginger babies I see...But seriously can somebody tell me Where did all these judgmental people come from? I had no idea it was getting so bad within my own circle. I do understand how people become jaded and turn "angry" I see that, and Ive been there and have felt that just unhappy...with life in general. Its an easy place to live, in the dark. Youre usually lonely there though. Lately Ive decided that those people, those ones who like it there in the dark are the ones that I really just dont want around me. I need people who have open minds, who can find good in bad situations. People who can laugh at life and know that the world isnt going to end because things dont go your way. People who can hear a song like "Im Alive" by Kenny Chesney and Dave Matthews and just GET IT! If you havent heard that song you should...Some of you should put that shit on repeat until it sinks in. This is the only life you have, spending it obsessed with the past or the bullshit thats happened to you or WORSE the lives that other people are living is just sad. I never knew that my life was so interesting that you sit & pick me apart. Learn from your bullshit, your fuck ups, the pain...those are the BEST lessons in life. The ones that hurt or have caused you to feel, especially if what you felt was true pain. Emotional or physical its a lesson worth remembering.

Think twice on the shit you say. If youre not confident and secure with yourself the last thing you should do is open your mouth about others. Remember when you speak on others and spit out that shit you dislike about somebody, as it could be describing something about the person youre sitting next to, that you have the nerve to call a friend. You dont know what people keep hidden inside. or in my case...whats right in front of you, youre just too caught up in yourself to see...

Starting to see things in color...

"That's the story of my life, right there in black and white...a pictures worth a thousand words, but you can't see what those shades of grey keep covered, you should've seen it in color..."

The story of my life, feels as though it's always being re-written. New chapters before the previous one has finished. New characters as the hours pass, hell completely unsure if there will even be an ending. The constant though is the love I have for my babies & my family and the amazement I have for the lows that some can sink to. I always think there is NO WAY...and holy shit, there it did! I guess that's what makes it "life" But I'll tell you what, the first two...is something that will never change. That's something that is never ending...those are the parts of the story I'll always go back to re-read and attempt to relive. Yes my imagination is that good. I can hear the laughter, smell the things around me, see it all as if it was on a big screen playing to those music in my head.

Saying that my emotions are on over drive would be a true understatement at this point. More like completely out of control, I'd like to pat myself on the back though...as I have found it within myself to handle things in a new way. Although others would like to give themselves credit for it all, credit actually goes to the smallest piece of me others hardly know about. I almost want to apologize for my feelings but that's just it...I shouldn't have to. I won't.

I keep thinking back on the last year or so, the emotional times that literally took the breath out of me and the people I've lost because of the spiteful, disrespectful, ugliness that could not be contained. I can't help but shake my head...feel sick to my stomach and tear up. Leaving my heart wide open thinking I'll get back what I put out only to see it's not true for everyone I come in contact with. I didn't lose faith in everyone, I do know that there are good people around me with true hearts and I can't express enough how thankful I am for that. Feeling completely drained and completely alive...did you know it was possible to feel them both at the same time? I didn't either, til today. I gotta admit it's nice but makes me so dizzy. Kind of the morning after a great night with friends :)

Over the last couple of weeks I've been doing a lot of soul searching. I've been avoiding a lot of "good times" and thinking hard on whats to come. I know what's ahead of me isn't exactly clear but it's ok. I proceed down the path I've chosen knowing who I can trust and who will support me along the way. There may be unexpected turns and road blocks but with their love and support I'll get through it with very few scrapes and bruises (hopefully) :) It's funny how it all came about...honestly I'm not sure that the two people who messaged me even know the amount of courage they gave me with their words. I hope they don't mind my sharing.

"P.S. I LOVE READING YOUR POST'S. YOUR A STRONG WOMAN AND SOMETIMES YOU REMIND ME THAT I AM TOO."

at the end of a message, that I still have saved :) She is in fact a strong woman herself...very proud mama of 2 beautiful babies. It may not be much to some but to me it was probably the best thing I could have heard.

"Wow, to be able to tell that story in that manner. I'm sure having
gone through so much that you are in fact fearless." from a perfect stranger who read something that I wrote.

Honestly I figured that those I shared with would provide their 2 cents...but a stranger? and something like this? That was awesome...I have his messaged saved too. Small reminders, if others can see this in me...I have to remember that its there and lives in me...and giving in to the ugliness is NO LONGER AN OPTION! It doesn't matter who it's coming from, how many years are invested, or the links that tie us together. It is not an option.

I think ill try defying gravity...

" Something has changed within me Something is not the same I'm through with playing by the rules Of someone else's game Too late for second-guessing Too late to go back to sleep It's time to trust my instincts Close my eyes: and leap..."

At the risk of sounding like an asshole, I've realized my time to "leap" has come. When i find its best to sit in silence, than open my mouth and take a chance of hearing more than i care to hear its time to do my own thing. More often then not i find myself second guessing myself and going off of what others insist is best for me, only to find out it wasn't. Then I'm left back tracking and picking up the pieces doing it all over again.

This time around i have to do things my way...well mine and his =} who we are "together" or not is nobody's business. What we plan to do is our business...how we plan to live our lives matters to only us. I feel judging eyes, and hear certain whispers and can't help but wonder why? Then it hits, it doesn't matter why, its your thing...your issue. Say what you feel think what you must and enjoy your life. I need no excuse or explanation. If you're not happy or cant be apart of my life without judgement i ask you to please take a walk.

I'm doing things for myself and for my children. If that doesn't suit you i dunno what to tell you. Please respect my wishes and understand that i do love and appreciate my family and friends more than anything...but this life is mine to live.
I'm not angry, hurt, broken, sad...i don't need to be fixed or counseled or see a doctor. I'm actually in a very good place at the moment and have a pretty decent guy at my side. I'm making plans for my future and ask that you send me some good vibes and wish me well. But i definitely understand if its not possible...and i wish YOU the very best.