Time has brought your heart to me...

"Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this..."

That time of year is upon us. Most who know me know that this is the time of year that I would wish to skip all together, would love to sleep through and wake up with the new year at my feet. For those of you who don't know me so well, the short of it...its the anniversary of both my grandparents and sisters death. Sadly several years apart the same week. The week of Christmas. Although it's been a few years since my sisters death Ive not fully come to that point in my life where I am comforted by the fact that she is in a better place. Some days I can find that comfort, other days Ive got nothing but anger and frustration over a life that was cut way too short.

Every year Ive told myself I'd be ok and survive this month with little to no tears...and every year I fail miserably. I attempt the happy face and attempt to find some holiday spirit but honestly its just not there. Without giving into the full blown sadness that I feel Ive decided that this year Im just not going to give a shit about making others happy with my fake holiday spirit. I am 100% ok with it. You should be too.

The last month has been one of the hardest Ive dealt with in a long time. Mixed emotions left and right. Each morning afraid to open my eyes, not sure how I'd handle the changes that were taking place. My reasons for waking up each and every day were no longer there...in a heartbeat my life was changed. Much like a loved one who was taken too soon. I was taken back to that point again. It wasnt a good feeling.

Smack dab in the middle of the chaos that was my life, somebody walked into my life. He came in during a time that I would have pushed anyone else away and not have thought twice about it...he did nothing to "sell" himself as this amazing person or totally perfect man that I should give a chance. He didn't spend hours on end to show me how cool he was or how girls fall at his feet...or offer to buy me a bunch of shit I didnt want or need. He simply offered to listen. Explained that he had been in my situation and knew how it felt and said he would listen, no judgement...not even offer advice if it wasn't what I was looking for, but listen. Before I knew it, I was pouring my heart out to this stranger. Not even realizing at that moment there was a bond forming between the two of us.

Every day that passed more and more was shared between us. Feeling as if I was looking into a mirror sometimes, I couldn't believe the things we had in common. Having somebody who shares the same passions as you is one thing. Having somebody who has shared the same kind of loss and pain as you is another. It brings you to a different level of caring and understanding. Thats something more precious to me than any material item in a thousand lifetimes. Some have seen changes in me and have gone so far as to point them out. Some have been super supportive and have expressed genuine happiness for the new person in my life and that makes my heart happy.

Although he is a very important person in my life, he is not my whole life. Suggesting that my life should be better and I shouldnt have reason for the sadness that I feel is pretty lame. I spent a better part of the last 2 years single and enjoyed damn near every moment of it. Had it not been for this person sneaking his way into my life Id still be single and more than ok with it. I don't need a man in my life to make me feel complete. Nor do I need a man at my side to go out and enjoy myself. He is somebody who gets me like no other and accepts me 100% the way that I am. As much as I would like to say my friends are the same, its plain and simple most aren't. Some have expressed feelings of his impact on me, saying that he's changing me... :) bless you! haha Its about all I can say. Clearly you weren't paying attention much in the prior months as I've pulled myself away from a lot of things, places, and people before Travis was even a part of my life. Funny thing, an outsiders point of view. Yeah sometimes you just need somebody else to show you what you didnt have the heart to admit yourself.

Im not sure whats in store for the two of us...I can only say that the last month I've spent with you has been one of the most rewarding Ive spent getting to know anyone in almost 35 years. You came in during at a time that I thought Id lost myself and showed me that there are still people out there who can care about someone nothing expected in return. You helped me see that I am still very capable of sharing my heart with another...and that it IS possible to be me 100% without fear of judgement. You accept my quirks, crankiness, geekiness, and everything in between...whatever happens from here on out I am thankful that you are in my life. I cant ask for a better friend or partner. I look forward to whatever comes our way.

"I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more..."

im dizzy...

Having to restrict or filter yourself is such a shitty feeling. Im not good with filters. Writing and saying whats in my head has always been my release. Honestly Im still real tempted to say to hell with it all. Lord knows the shit on my mind isnt a lie...

The last few days Ive had so many things and people in my head. Almost felt like the kid in 6th sense with all the people in his head...only most of mine werent dead. *filters herself* Yes...its come to this. Filters...what a fucking crock. I shall state for the record I do not wish any sort of harm, pain, death...or anything of the sort on ANYBODY...yes I said ANYBODY.

Im completely lost and so incredibly happy at the same time. Serious clusterfuck of emotion. A daily struggle of keeping my head above water and attempting to not lose myself while falling for the most amazing eyes Ive ever looked into... it would be my luck that the two happen at the same time. If I end up bald from stress I wonder if he will still want me? That would definitely be love...my head is shaped like a butt!

sad...I dont think Ive struggled this much before getting things out. Maybe its not meant to be said yet. Yeah a lot of shit sucks ass right now, but I also have a lot of great things going on too. Somebody has managed to walk into my life and has the key I didnt think would ever be found again. Not like this... its actually scary but so perfect at the same time. He brings happy thoughts and emotions during a time that I need it most...and in the most genuine ways. There is no way it could ever be wrong. Regardless of what happens between the two of us I know he is in my life for a reason.

He gave me music...not sure I need to say anything else. Well I couldnt...SHOULDNT. SOOO I wont...yeah i know it probably makes no sense...probably just a jumbled mess of garbage. Welcome to my head. If I were you, Id look for an exit. Clearly my head isnt suitable for everyone.

Since Im unable to say as I feel...I resort to the lyrics in my head...


"I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain..."


***Please note that I am not seeking advice. Relationship or otherwise. Im just clearing my head. I know what Im doing. Thank you for your love and support.

whatever...

Well well well...look who finally showed up!! Yes, Ive been M.I.A a while...Ive done a really good job and keeping myself out of "trouble" and keeping my thoughts and rants SEMI contained...although lately Ive really wondered why? Maybe it was a sense of trying to protect people? not wanting to hurt feelings? Or just tired of saying what I feel and not being heard? Either way Ive come to that point again where it has to come out or that Skinny bitch inside me is finally going to make an appearance, not by way of diet and exercise but by my big ass just plain and simply exploding!

It would be so much easier if I sat here and posted lyrics to get my point across, but lately Ive realized that some are too closed minded to even get something as simple as a song. Im tired. Trying to keep myself together as a single mother is a hard fucking job. Never mind trying to keep it together for friends and family too. Wanting to be there for every friend in need is something thats not possible, maybe in a perfect world but mine is far from perfect.

I always say dont ask me if youre looking for a sugarcoated bullshit answer...Ive joked of making it into a shirt or even a tattoo. I really should come with a warning label as it seems most still just dont get it and end up "upset" with me and my mouth. I refuse to apologize for honesty...or the fact that some folks live in denial. We all have fucking issues...we all have problems in life anyone who says they dont have something thats wrong, messed up, or just fucked up is lying. It comes in different levels for us all, but who the fuck are YOU to judge? I KNOW my problems, I know my issues. I KNOW what in my life could use changing and needs to be fixed. I fully accept who I am what Ive done in life good and bad and I make no excuses. I drink because I like to drink. I have sex because I like to have sex I cuss because I like to do it I dont wear red because I dislike the 9ers haha just kidding but you get where Im going with it right?? Im not making excuses for what I do Im open and honest...for someone to sit and tell me "that comes from somewhere, you have something deep down in you causing that" wow...just makes me shake my head at that.

Who the fuck are you?? There is nothing "wrong" with me for liking the things that I like...its not like Im out fucking goats or stealing babies, although I have joked about stealing lil ginger babies I see...But seriously can somebody tell me Where did all these judgmental people come from? I had no idea it was getting so bad within my own circle. I do understand how people become jaded and turn "angry" I see that, and Ive been there and have felt that just unhappy...with life in general. Its an easy place to live, in the dark. Youre usually lonely there though. Lately Ive decided that those people, those ones who like it there in the dark are the ones that I really just dont want around me. I need people who have open minds, who can find good in bad situations. People who can laugh at life and know that the world isnt going to end because things dont go your way. People who can hear a song like "Im Alive" by Kenny Chesney and Dave Matthews and just GET IT! If you havent heard that song you should...Some of you should put that shit on repeat until it sinks in. This is the only life you have, spending it obsessed with the past or the bullshit thats happened to you or WORSE the lives that other people are living is just sad. I never knew that my life was so interesting that you sit & pick me apart. Learn from your bullshit, your fuck ups, the pain...those are the BEST lessons in life. The ones that hurt or have caused you to feel, especially if what you felt was true pain. Emotional or physical its a lesson worth remembering.

Think twice on the shit you say. If youre not confident and secure with yourself the last thing you should do is open your mouth about others. Remember when you speak on others and spit out that shit you dislike about somebody, as it could be describing something about the person youre sitting next to, that you have the nerve to call a friend. You dont know what people keep hidden inside. or in my case...whats right in front of you, youre just too caught up in yourself to see...

Starting to see things in color...

"That's the story of my life, right there in black and white...a pictures worth a thousand words, but you can't see what those shades of grey keep covered, you should've seen it in color..."

The story of my life, feels as though it's always being re-written. New chapters before the previous one has finished. New characters as the hours pass, hell completely unsure if there will even be an ending. The constant though is the love I have for my babies & my family and the amazement I have for the lows that some can sink to. I always think there is NO WAY...and holy shit, there it did! I guess that's what makes it "life" But I'll tell you what, the first two...is something that will never change. That's something that is never ending...those are the parts of the story I'll always go back to re-read and attempt to relive. Yes my imagination is that good. I can hear the laughter, smell the things around me, see it all as if it was on a big screen playing to those music in my head.

Saying that my emotions are on over drive would be a true understatement at this point. More like completely out of control, I'd like to pat myself on the back though...as I have found it within myself to handle things in a new way. Although others would like to give themselves credit for it all, credit actually goes to the smallest piece of me others hardly know about. I almost want to apologize for my feelings but that's just it...I shouldn't have to. I won't.

I keep thinking back on the last year or so, the emotional times that literally took the breath out of me and the people I've lost because of the spiteful, disrespectful, ugliness that could not be contained. I can't help but shake my head...feel sick to my stomach and tear up. Leaving my heart wide open thinking I'll get back what I put out only to see it's not true for everyone I come in contact with. I didn't lose faith in everyone, I do know that there are good people around me with true hearts and I can't express enough how thankful I am for that. Feeling completely drained and completely alive...did you know it was possible to feel them both at the same time? I didn't either, til today. I gotta admit it's nice but makes me so dizzy. Kind of the morning after a great night with friends :)

Over the last couple of weeks I've been doing a lot of soul searching. I've been avoiding a lot of "good times" and thinking hard on whats to come. I know what's ahead of me isn't exactly clear but it's ok. I proceed down the path I've chosen knowing who I can trust and who will support me along the way. There may be unexpected turns and road blocks but with their love and support I'll get through it with very few scrapes and bruises (hopefully) :) It's funny how it all came about...honestly I'm not sure that the two people who messaged me even know the amount of courage they gave me with their words. I hope they don't mind my sharing.

"P.S. I LOVE READING YOUR POST'S. YOUR A STRONG WOMAN AND SOMETIMES YOU REMIND ME THAT I AM TOO."

at the end of a message, that I still have saved :) She is in fact a strong woman herself...very proud mama of 2 beautiful babies. It may not be much to some but to me it was probably the best thing I could have heard.

"Wow, to be able to tell that story in that manner. I'm sure having
gone through so much that you are in fact fearless." from a perfect stranger who read something that I wrote.

Honestly I figured that those I shared with would provide their 2 cents...but a stranger? and something like this? That was awesome...I have his messaged saved too. Small reminders, if others can see this in me...I have to remember that its there and lives in me...and giving in to the ugliness is NO LONGER AN OPTION! It doesn't matter who it's coming from, how many years are invested, or the links that tie us together. It is not an option.

I think ill try defying gravity...

" Something has changed within me Something is not the same I'm through with playing by the rules Of someone else's game Too late for second-guessing Too late to go back to sleep It's time to trust my instincts Close my eyes: and leap..."

At the risk of sounding like an asshole, I've realized my time to "leap" has come. When i find its best to sit in silence, than open my mouth and take a chance of hearing more than i care to hear its time to do my own thing. More often then not i find myself second guessing myself and going off of what others insist is best for me, only to find out it wasn't. Then I'm left back tracking and picking up the pieces doing it all over again.

This time around i have to do things my way...well mine and his =} who we are "together" or not is nobody's business. What we plan to do is our business...how we plan to live our lives matters to only us. I feel judging eyes, and hear certain whispers and can't help but wonder why? Then it hits, it doesn't matter why, its your thing...your issue. Say what you feel think what you must and enjoy your life. I need no excuse or explanation. If you're not happy or cant be apart of my life without judgement i ask you to please take a walk.

I'm doing things for myself and for my children. If that doesn't suit you i dunno what to tell you. Please respect my wishes and understand that i do love and appreciate my family and friends more than anything...but this life is mine to live.
I'm not angry, hurt, broken, sad...i don't need to be fixed or counseled or see a doctor. I'm actually in a very good place at the moment and have a pretty decent guy at my side. I'm making plans for my future and ask that you send me some good vibes and wish me well. But i definitely understand if its not possible...and i wish YOU the very best.

My choice to walk away...

My choice to walk away has nothing to do with the way that I feel about you. Matter of fact I love and care about you more than you will probably every know. My choice to walk is because I love myself, and refuse to let anyone take advantage any longer. Please understand that I do not regret knowing you or the time that was spent together...I will always have songs that make me think of you and smiles for the silliness and odds are I will have times that I even miss you. Its just this new position I find myself in...I have to do whats best for me. Surely, YOU can appreciate that.

Im sad that things went this far and things have to be this way now...but honestly more sad and disappointed in the chances I gave you to be open & honest and you couldn't do it. I gave you more than one, I called on you, asked for you, needed you... and you couldn't be the same person. Always happy and willing to accept what I was handing out, but never found when it was I who was in need. Things just don't work that way in the real world. Maybe in yours, but in time you will find yourself alone. I for one...like to know that those around me are true. Although I dont doubt for one second that you do care about me...I am no longer in a position to give, and because of that you have gone silent.

The person in me that doesn't like to give up on those I care about wants so much to hold on and be there for each call or text...but the same person is admitting the hurt and anger that comes from your lack of faith in me. I do see it all...I just choose not to call you out on it. Which then, angers me. Why would you choose to lie to me over and over? Why would you sit and let me help you knowing full well you ARE taking advantage? You know I think thats what bothers me most. Better for me to not have these flip flop feelings about you, and just walk away.

Seeing the Valentines from my daughter, made me realize...with her love is unconditional. Regardless of what I give her or where I take her she loves me no matter what. I have a good handful of people in my life not including my family who are the same. This is what I want in life...from those I care about. After all its what I give to you.

I love you and care what happens to you in life...I will always care. Im just doin it from a distance now. Wish you well. <3

(if you or anyone else decides to take a minute to read this, I ask that you understand names are withheld for a reason, and yes...I said nameS. Multiples)

youre fueling my fire...

"You don't know how strong my weakness is..."

More often than not I am underestimated. I know that I have clearly had my days, where judgement may have been off or my head was definitely in my ass...but shit who doesnt have those days? I know that my physical & mental strength are questioned, and thats ok. For some it comes from a place of love & honest concern and for that I thank you. I appreciate your concern for my family and for myself, it means a lot that you care and I truly do thank you. For others though, its...?? its what? I dont want to sound like an ass and say being a "hater" but what else do you call it? Watching and waiting to see me fall on my face? Well I have news for you, those of you who are sitting and waiting for that shoe to drop...I have fallen on my face and I picked my ass back up and kept going. I will probably fall again too, and like the times before I will pick myself up and keep going. Because thats what I was taught to do.

Every day I struggle with things in life. Shit not going the way I want...unexpected things that throw me off path and toss my life into a whirlwind of mess. "I'll be ok, shit will work itself out" has become a true motto in my life. One way or another I manage to always get things back to a place where I am ok. Help from friends and family no doubt, their love and support always carry me through. This time of year has easily become a rough time for me and others around me. The time that has passed has not lessened the pain. I still come to tears when certain songs play and see certain things that instantly bring her to mind. Lately its been dreams of those whove left...my dad included. So much is going on in my head that at times, I want to just shut it all off. Turn everyone away and say not now. I cant help you today, I cant listen, I cant offer you any help or advice...how can I when Im probably more fucked up than you? haha if you only knew some of the shit that truly goes through my head! Very few know me well enough, and with good reason.

Don't underestimate what I am or who I will become. I have a fire in me that burns hotter than anyone will ever understand. Its constantly fueled by those around me. Good and bad all the same. I keep it with me and it keeps me going. My love is alive and strong. Ive told myself to hide or hold it in and have realized I dont have to anymore...its out there. If Ive told you that I love you...its because its real, and I mean it. Never doubt that.

Tired of that feeling of having to keep my thoughts & feelings quiet. My heart is no longer "under lock and key..." the lock however is smaller and the "key" well...I its out there...but very close to my heart...if youre ever able to face me and look into my eyes you will see apart of me that has been waiting to show you the truth. In due time...or not at all...and Im ok with that.

Te dejo con un cachito de mi corazon...

"me gustan tus labios...cuando tu me besas, y si estas lejos de mi yo se que me extranas. Amor... la forma en que me tocas con amor...pero lo siento en me, la forma en que me amas..."

Drained...