Leave the pieces when you go...

My hearts so heavy, have so much to say...so much I wanna get off my chest, but my mind tells me to keep it in. Maybe its fear of losing more friends? Although I know deep down real friends will know and understand my feelings are just that, feelings...and not something that should end the world. I cant be blamed for how I feel. I will not be asked to change my feelings and Ill never apologize for how I feel. I do everything within my power to be honest upfront & trustworthy. A good friend. I cherish the friendships/bonds Ive been able to create with those currently in my life. Im thankful for the people who have stood by me through the years showing me unconditional love and support. I may not say it often enough, but its appreciated and Id be lost without it.

Ive spent many nights thinking on the people who have walked out of my life, wondering what I could have done to keep them from leaving. Only to realize nothing would have changed. In their heart they did what they felt was right. I cant blame them for that...but still I cant help but be a little sad. I cant help but feel a little shitty that I was tossed to the side so quickly, not giving a second thought to anything we had been through as "Friends". If you can even call it that. I try to not let that kind of stuff affect me. As always...my emotions get the best of me.

Ive not said a word that was untrue, I did not make promises that I couldnt keep, and I always found at least a minute or two of every day to say hello and wish them well. I meant every word I said...and even now would come to help if called upon. Thats just who I am. Id like to think if they ever truly knew me...they would know that, and would call on me if they needed. Honestly though, as much as it sucks losing a friend...Id be ok without them. Its apart of life...and Im learning how to live my life in new ways.

I am not broken, I am not stupid, I am not lacking in common sense...I have just chosen to live my life the best way I can for those that matter most. Constantly being told how I should live my life according to the standards of others gets old. Trying to make others realize that I DO know whats best for me is tiring. Ive learned a lot through the last few years of my life. One of the most important things I have learned, is you have to do what is best for YOU! When you are doing whats needed to make YOU happy & healthy you are able to then be there and care for those around you. If it means you build walls, shut out people you once cared about, walk away from unhealthy relationships...you do it. When everything is said and done...its the ones who matter most who are there when the dust settles. Thats all that matters.

"Its alright, Ill be fine...dont worry about this heart of mine. Take your love and hit the road. Theres nothing you can do or say youre gonna break my heart anyway, so just leave the pieces when you go..."

Sometimes I dont feel like a smile...

I cant help but enjoy the time I get to spend sitting out by the lake. Id rather spend my days out here lost in thought, than doing some of the things I used to enjoy doing. Little by little ive noticed other things changing too. I havent been able to decide yet if theyre for the better, but I guess time will tell.

Recently ive found myself thinking of you more. Im not sure what it is, its not your birthday or anniversary...not one of the holidays we enjoyed spending together, but youre on my mind daily. Maybe I just need you here? Amazing friends and family surround me...but nobody can replace you.

I listened to all your songs the other day. Sang along like nobody was listening, but I know they could hear me. You never cared what people said or thought of you, something I always admired of you. Something I always wanted to be. Of course now I think ive turned it into a way of pushing people away. Just wash my hands of it all...seems to be easier to go about my day without it. I dunno...

I just keep smiling and going about my business. Its the only way I know how to do things anymore. People compliment me often on how well I deal with things, I really wonder what they would think of me on those days that the smiles are so fake and forced I feel like my face is gonna crack...i guess we all have our bad days. I keep going back to this song we played for you...

"youll find that life is still worth while...if you just smile..."

But what if I just dont feel like smiling?

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Dont let me be misunderstood...

So I layed here and typed up a post with my blogger app on my Droid and it failed on me. I have attempted several times to get the post open so I can copy and paste it with no luck. "Force close" is all I get...way to add to my frustration.

Yesterday, somebody came at me like a ton of bricks. Name calling, mean hurtful words just because he felt he had to. He made ASSumptions about me didnt bother to truly get to know me or even confirm the shit he was spewing out of his mouth. If he truly knew me he would know the stuff he said about me is no where near the truth! The fact that he doesnt even know me in person or even talked to me on the phone, yet opens his mouth annoys me even more.

I put myself out there, on fb and here...i know this. But see I have nothing to hide. I say what I feel without regrets, if you cant decipher me being a shithead and me being real thats your problem! If youre honestly interested and want to know more hit me up...ill gladly sit and talk with you. Ill gladly explain things or answer questions you might have about me or my life...you may not get all the answers you want or hear things you may not like but at least youll have the truth straight from me.

Forming opinions and judging me when you dont even have half of who I really am...thats just silly. That kind of close minded, I am better than you attitude I dont need in my life. I have managed to come across some pretty amazing people...open minded non judgemental beautiful inside and out who truly care even though we havent actually met in person. Those are the type of people I chose to surround myself with. The type of people I chose to invest my time in...the ones who make me smile just by saying hello... Not try and tear me down because they dont understand me.

"Im just a soul whose intentions are good...oh lord, please dont let me be misunderstood..."

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Youd better believe Im FEARLESS...

Its been ages since Ive sat in my bed with the urge to just write. To just let it all out...then again, its been ages since Ive felt the way that I do. I thought I felt this before, not too long ago. Im realizing now it wasnt what I wanted it to be, and its ok that it didnt happen like I wanted. "Sometimes we thank god for unanswered prayers" Yes me and my songs...I know. I cant help it...it helps express what I cant put into words on my own.

I cant deny the excitement that comes over me when I hear his voice, or that feeling I get inside when he talks about "us" the thought of there being an US makes me smile. Its one of those things that happens in your life, its so good and feels so right but my fear of it not being true or ending the wrong way keep me from wanting to talk about it. Not wanting to "jinx" what we may have going. Little by little I let the trusted few in on the details, and as expected they have their opinions, keeping in mind they only want whats best for me, I listen...try and take it all in. I make my lists, the pros and cons...and seek advice only to find Im more confused with the whole situation and more unsure of which direction I should take ONLY to realize nobody truly knows what I feel inside.

With a less than perfect situation in front of us, I cant help but feel like there is something good here. Despite the rough start we may have had there is a part of me that has to give in and follow the advice I gave out to a "friend" in a similar situation. "You miss the shots you dont take" Giving into the fear I will never know if this "us" is the real deal. Ill never know if his words are true...if his love for me is real. I dont wanna miss that shot. I dont want to take the chance of not knowing...


Almost a year ago, my heart was completely broken by a man that I loved...who said that he loved me too. Somebody very close to me sent me a link to a song "Fearless" I heard the song read the lyrics and cried my eyes out. It became my anthem. It made me sad to think of what I had lost and what Id never have again. As time went on, it wasnt sadness I felt, but strength. I was changing and coming to the realization that it was something I had lost with that person and and it was something Id never have again with him, but there was no doubt in my mind that Id have it again one day with someone new. Now almost a year later I come back to the same song...its come full circle.

"and if I end up lonely, at least I will be there knowing...I believe in love..."

Oh how things have changed...

Im currently in bed listening to my babies snore. The window is open and the cool breeze is flowing in, it feels amazing. Pandora is on Billy Currington radio and honestly I feel great. There was a time in my life I couldnt imagine sitting here, as a single mother again and truly being happy. Are there things I would change about my current situation? Hell yes! But not the things most would think of when hearing about me or my life.

I have had a so much shit thrown at me by people who have claimed to love me, and ya know maybe they did. Maybe they didnt know how to TRULY love, or how to truly show it...or how to LOVE ENOUGH that they couldnt do the right thing and end things properly. I dont know, but I have walked away from both with amazing children and that is all that matters now. I do thank them though, they have shown me what to look for...the signs. They have helped me grow into a mighty strong woman and a fiery one at that. They helped me to see that I DO deserve EVERYTHING in life that I truly desire and they helped me to see that NO MAN is worth putting your life and goals on hold for. For that I am thankful.

I get a kick out of all the questions I get about single life at my age...I am 33 years old and single. Yes. I am not dead... nothing needs to be "dusted off" lol thanks for the offers though. ;) I have come to the conclusion that the Gym is my new boyfriend. I go in work up a damn good sweat & walk funny afterwards...and I dont have to fake anything. No bullshit and I definitely dont have to make anyone a sammich when Im done. It works out nicely. Have no fear my lovies, I have not switched teams...I still LOVE men. I am just using my new eyes and way of thinking in my selection process. I will have fun enjoying single life as long as it takes for me to find the right one.

Oh yes lovies, things have changed...but most definitely for the better. I will not let a man break me. I am more than just his wife or ex wife...I am more than just their mother...he does not make me who I am, he is just a piece of who I was.

Girl on a mission

and my mission is? Well shit, I'm not sure...well not totally. I do know this though, I want to make a difference. I need to make a difference in my life, and I want to make a difference in the lives of all my loved ones. After my sisters passing in December I knew changes had to be made.

Sometimes I get this feeling inside me of wanting to blurt out all my hopes and plans for the future...thinking that if I share them with the world some how magically everything will just fall into place. Then I think, and I realize I don't really want to share my ideas...out of fear of them not working out. But maybe it's O K to share some? Yeah that will work.

So...in a few weeks I'm officially a student again. I've decided it was time for me to finally go back and take up something I love. With recent events in my life trying to get healthy is important. Being healthy and raising a healthy family is my goal. Getting my kids to try new meals and enjoy veggies like their father and I do. Eliminate fast food (ok well as much as possible) and exercise often and having fun with it. I will be taking Nutrition, Health & Wellness, and classes in Culinary Arts Management. My ultimate goal? To own and run my own "Nay's Kitchen" name pending of course :)

Recently my children and I have been taking part in local walk a thons and have had a blast doing so. I've started a list of upcoming walk and runs that I want to be apart of as well as ones that have past so I am ready for next year. I even e-mailed a lady for a walk this coming weekend, registration is closed but I'd really love to volunteer at the event. Its to raise money for WEAVE (Women Escaping a Violent Environment) how could you not want to help a cause like that? Its something I know about first hand and something that I think I could really get involved in.

I also learned tonight that October 2nd is National MRSA Awarness day, and I am on a mission to raise awareness for the disease that helped take my sister away from me. I'm not exactly sure how...but I will. I wont let my sisters pain and struggles be in vain. I refuse to let everything she went through be for nothing. Baby steps. I'll get to where I'm going. I know I will...I'm on a mission.

"Sissy's Song..."

"Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe"

Dear Grace,

Today my goal was to get through one song without crying, and I did. So I went for a second...it's still playing so we will see how that goes. I cried today in the car on my way home from work, and yesterday while I was doing the dishes. It's funny to me sometimes that I think of you while I wash the dishes & cry. I'm not sure why but it happens a lot. Tomorrow is your birthday, we have mini chocolate cupcakes with yellow frosting...you would have liked how bright they are. I wanted to get that chocolate cake with flan on top but was afraid I'd eat it all...so I didn't. PS...I didn't make it through the second song.

"She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me"

Although I can totally hear you saying "Don't worry 'bout me" I can't imagine you "walking with jesus" more like I see you dancing with him, but not in a graceful all lala kind of way...I see you teaching him to dance cumbia & making him get down to Gap Band with you. Laughing your crazy ass laugh & telling him he's not doing it right. Truthfully in your eyes I'm not sure anybody could do it "right" I hear songs by Mana and they are bitter sweet. You hated them but you suffered through them for me and Abel. I laughed the first time I heard them after you were gone you always let out the most obnoxious sigh & growl...haha it wasn't THAT bad!

"Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe"

I've never really felt anger towards God for you having to leave. I've just told myself you were needed else where. There is a huge feeling of emptiness, which I know in time will slowly fill up some...but we all know it will never be completely whole again. Its ok though. I'm learning that they don't always have to be sad thoughts, memories, or even tears...there's so many good & happy memories I shared with you. Like the look on your face when I asked you & Abel to baptize Ana or when we told you that Kaili's middle name was Grace. But seriously one of my favorites was the time you caught up with that girl who gave me hell, you rode up on her while she was riding her bike & scared her so bad she rode into a ditch haha definitely good times.

"It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause...

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me"

Tomorrow is your birthday, and although you won't be here for me to call Ill be singing to you. Ill be playing Ramon Ayala & Gap Band & maybe even doing your booty dance in my chones the way you used to. I miss you terribly, but I know you're watching over me...and for that reason Ill be ok.

I love you...