youre fueling my fire...

"You don't know how strong my weakness is..."

More often than not I am underestimated. I know that I have clearly had my days, where judgement may have been off or my head was definitely in my ass...but shit who doesnt have those days? I know that my physical & mental strength are questioned, and thats ok. For some it comes from a place of love & honest concern and for that I thank you. I appreciate your concern for my family and for myself, it means a lot that you care and I truly do thank you. For others though, its...?? its what? I dont want to sound like an ass and say being a "hater" but what else do you call it? Watching and waiting to see me fall on my face? Well I have news for you, those of you who are sitting and waiting for that shoe to drop...I have fallen on my face and I picked my ass back up and kept going. I will probably fall again too, and like the times before I will pick myself up and keep going. Because thats what I was taught to do.

Every day I struggle with things in life. Shit not going the way I want...unexpected things that throw me off path and toss my life into a whirlwind of mess. "I'll be ok, shit will work itself out" has become a true motto in my life. One way or another I manage to always get things back to a place where I am ok. Help from friends and family no doubt, their love and support always carry me through. This time of year has easily become a rough time for me and others around me. The time that has passed has not lessened the pain. I still come to tears when certain songs play and see certain things that instantly bring her to mind. Lately its been dreams of those whove left...my dad included. So much is going on in my head that at times, I want to just shut it all off. Turn everyone away and say not now. I cant help you today, I cant listen, I cant offer you any help or advice...how can I when Im probably more fucked up than you? haha if you only knew some of the shit that truly goes through my head! Very few know me well enough, and with good reason.

Don't underestimate what I am or who I will become. I have a fire in me that burns hotter than anyone will ever understand. Its constantly fueled by those around me. Good and bad all the same. I keep it with me and it keeps me going. My love is alive and strong. Ive told myself to hide or hold it in and have realized I dont have to anymore...its out there. If Ive told you that I love you...its because its real, and I mean it. Never doubt that.

Tired of that feeling of having to keep my thoughts & feelings quiet. My heart is no longer "under lock and key..." the lock however is smaller and the "key" well...I its out there...but very close to my heart...if youre ever able to face me and look into my eyes you will see apart of me that has been waiting to show you the truth. In due time...or not at all...and Im ok with that.

Te dejo con un cachito de mi corazon...

"me gustan tus labios...cuando tu me besas, y si estas lejos de mi yo se que me extranas. Amor... la forma en que me tocas con amor...pero lo siento en me, la forma en que me amas..."

Drained...

Its just been on my mind...

Page after page, rant after rant...i sit lost in thought. I see whats being written and hear whats being said, but honestly its all a bit muffled by silence.

Its something ive caught on to over the past couple of years. Thanks to the position I held at my job, I was able to see on more than one occasion how loud a silent person could scream. With those screams still very fresh in my mind...i listen for new sounds, rarely able to drown out the ones that constantly replay in my head. Til now.

Its so easy to get caught up in whats going on around you. So easy to forget there are people around you in your daily life that may be going through some of the hardest days in their lives, silently crying out. I can honestly say, even with the family and friends I have around me always supporting me there are times that ive actually still felt alone. Its not a good feeling...as a 33 year old woman. Im not sure id be able to deal with it being alone, literally without family by your side.

Ive spent the last couple of days with several people on my mind. Ive felt a bundle of mixed emotions for them. The pain & sorrow they struggle with makes me want to reach out any way I can...trying to help or at least stand by as they deal with whatever is going on. Silently crying my own tears...

Im taken back to a place where I feel horrible for not being a better friend. Not being able to offer more...or not seeing sooner, that you needed an ear or a hug. Truth of the matter is ive been needing an ear and a hug too. Just havent been so quick to admit it. Til now. I deal with things in an odd way. I let it all build up and continue to say im ok ill be fine while its wearing me out and making me so tired I cant see strait. Then break. Fall apart, lose myself in tears and emotions I brewed for too long. Pick myself back up...and knock shit out of the way again. Head on, full force...the only way I know how. Some people though, dont know how or cant pick back up as fast or as often as I do. Or think I do.

Ive started taking a closer look at those around me, those who truly mean something to me...and have realized a lot of them are silently crying to. I know people are busy and have their own lives and their own bullshit to deal with on a daily basis...and I dont judge anyone for doing what they gotta do handling their business, but dont ever underestimate the power of your words. Your hugs or "good thoughts just because". Even if they arent willing to accept what youve put out there...its an amazing feeling to know somebody has you in their thoughts just becuase.

Things may not be as id like them to be at the moment...but "im alive...and thats good enough for me."

Heres to the first...and the new love of your life...

"when your heart is full of doubt, and you think theres no way out...you find your faith has been lost and shaken you take back whats been taken...get on your knees and dig down deep, you can do what you think is impossible, keep on believe and don't give in, it'll come and make you whole again...it always will it always does, love is unstoppable..."

Where it comes from isn't really important, as long as its real. Today was one for the books, my patience, trust, energies...everything, was tested and pushed to the limit. As much as I wanted to I didn't cry...today I wasn't giving in. even after slamming my foot in the car door and smacking myself in the face with my cell phone. I had the love and support of great friends who helped keep me sane...looked at pictures of my silly kids, and heard my son say I was the first love of his life. Even if he may have only been saying it cuz he was guilty and or wanted something, it reminded me of what I have, that I should be thankful, and I had to push through it.

Emotionally I am drained, but I have faith in the positive things that are stirring. Its weird how some people come into your life, like they were always meant to be there. Instantly making you want to grab hold so they dont leave...its just that damn good. Without falling head over heels with an idea of how its supposed to be...you grab on to whatevers close and fight with yourself...should I let go? Or hold on for dear life?? I have no idea whats in store, and as much as it pains me to admit...it scares me.

Wanting to always be that strong "you cant hurt me" girl...i have pushed away some good people out of fear of them hurting me first. Giving up faster than ever before on a simple no no because I refuse to let things look the slightest bit like my past. I realize now ill never see what can truly be, unless I do it right. Whatever right is...

My mini me, you were right...and sweetpea you were right too <3 no more wrong reasons...no more closed doors on "chances". When it feels this right...gotta take that chance, never know what can happen...after all..."its unstoppable..."

Thank you DM...for your friendship & support today. It means a lot that youd cash in one of your favors for me. <3

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Maybe...one day...

I guess everyone has that somebody, the one you try and tell yourself youre better without. Not the one who got away...but the one who you know cant be. The one youre happy to have the smallest of friendship/relationship with because the thought of not having anything at all is just too much to bare.

You have your days where youre ok and you are thankful for the few minutes you spent talking to him or her. You ride high on that cloud from the message they sent telling you they thought of you today, silently wishing there was a way for things to be different. Recently ive noticed in friends and family...its all the same. Doesnt matter what you have or where you are in life...if you stop and look around you, the people walking past you...sharing the bus or even sitting right next to you all that thing in common with you.

Unanswered Prayers? I always thought I knew what the song meant, but I dont think I fully understood it til now. As sad as some of us may be from whatever situation we sit in...we go about our lives. Maybe for some time heals the ache/sorrow...and for some distance and denial. Whatever it is we find ways to simmer the feelings that are burning over and do what needs to be done so people think all is well in your world.

I find comfort in knowing I am not alone in this... Sad though, its strong sometimes and having to fight the urge to spill over can seriously drive you mad. I guess we will just have to keep telling ourselves "one day..." Maybe.

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No songs good enough to make me dance today...

There are times I just want life to stop. Saying "life goes on" or "life must go on" just seems so inappropriate sometimes. Do I know its true? Yes. do I know its just how some deal with loss and change in their lives? Yes. Do I have to accept it? No, not all the time. Sometimes its ok to be selfish and want answers to those questions you cant figure out. Its ok to be angry or sad at the change & loss youre dealing with. In the end though, life does go on. But sometimes...we just need a time out from it all. Take a breather, think about how you really wanna handle things, or just break down without having to explain why. Its ok  to say "no im not ok" "no im not alright, but I will be I just need time"...i forget that. Constantly saying "im ok" well today im not feeling ok. 

I can sit lost in thought, fighting back tears asking myself why it has to be? Why does he have to leave? Why was it his turn to go? Why did they feel the need to cut their lives short...but my answers arent going to come. I end up more confused by it all. Feeling just a lil more lost and alone.

Today I dont have the right song, today im not even sure if the words are right, I just know that today my heart is heavy. I am sad and my usual ways of dealing arent helping. Trying to focus my thoughts amd energies on different things has been impossible, so ill stop trying. Instead im just going to take my selfish day and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

I have learned this though, if that person comes into your life and you feel like they are the right one for you...let them know. Dont be afraid of the fight or the struggle to make things work. In the end, if your feelings were right it will be worth it. "wilder than an 8 second ride..." ;) im ready to ride...

Take a moment to tell your loved ones what they mean to you, tomorrow is not promised.

To my own family and friends...my life IS everything I could ask for because you are apart of me. You are the reasons I sing smile and dance, almost everyday. I love you and I am thankful for every day you are around.

RIP JG...you will be missed. my other boys in Brown whove left us as well...you are not forgotten.

Good to be me...

For the first time, in a long time I feel good. I feel like things are ok and in line as they should be. Of course I could be feeling a "high" off the aroma from the bread I pulled from the oven. Yes its that damn good.

Im surrounded by people I love and love me too. Its a good feeling. I have officially decided to give up on certain things I had my eye on. Not entirely, just refuse to put further energies into those things/people. If and when those things happen it will be because they were meant to be. Leave it in the hands of higher powers.

Finally back in the gym, I think that has something to do with it. Ive yet to get my routine back but being back in there has made me feel better. Now if only I could drop the 12lbs I gained back id be a happy camper...baby steps. Need to get my ass in gear before I know it...May will be here and the Divas half will be at my door...sweet jesus im not ready, but I will be.

Tomorrow is the start of another school year for my babies. I am looking forward to their little brains being filled with new info and all the handmade projects, but the driving is gonna blow. I hope I can manage these next few weeks without a melt down. New schedules are in order...until I can muster the energy ill go with the flow...but im thinking on it...thats a start isnt it?

"damn it feels good to be me...fresh pair of kicks and my old blue jeans...ill be alright rollin these streets all summer long..."

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My wish...

I started writing last night. I wrote out a few paragraphs reliving this time last year, although the pain and emotion of it all was not the same...something didnt feel right. I decided to leave it alone and finish my thoughts with a clear mind. Im glad that I did that. When I woke up I realized, I was focused on the past...when I should have been focused on now & my future. Instead of thinking on what was and whats lost...i should be thinking on what I have and whats to come.

One year ago today, my life completely changed. Though I didnt realize it then, it was definitely for the better. 10 years of my life had been spent with this person who promised to honor love and cherish me...and it was all tossed down the drain. He made his choices and did the things that he did, he didnt think about our family or the affects it would have on them. For a long time I couldnt imagine how I was going to live my life without him. How was I to go through the days without him there? Then it hit me...i already was...and I was ok.

My life did not end. It hurt...starting over alone. The comfortable space I had been in for so long was gone, but a new me was born. For the first time in 10 years I was free to live my life the way that I saw fit. Without regret I pushed through the rough days focusing on what mattered most and what would never let me down...my family.

This morning I'm able to sit back and smile. Im able to think of my children and know that my life will always be ok as long as they are happy and healthy. My goal in this life is to raise my children to have confidence in who they are, and to always have faith in who they are and the choices that they make. To know that they do not NEED somebody to make them who they are...or who they wish to become. All things are possible and above all else to love without fear.

Over the last month or so Ive grown attached to the song "My Wish" by Rascall Flatts...I hear the song and tears fill my eyes thinking of my babies. Im not sure who this song was originally written for, but it is the most appropriate song for the feelings I have about them. They are part of the reason I am who I am today, if ever there was a thing I did right in my life...it was having them.

Jr, Ana, Jacob, and Kaili...you are the reason I wake up everyday! My reason for everything...nobody will ever make my life as happy & complete as you do. Every day of my life I am thankful for being your mother...I cherish the moments together, even when they arent ideal. You are my babies no matter how tall you get :) & even when you have babies of your own. I look forward to the coming years...watching you grow into teenagers...adults...and where your life path takes you. You will always have my full support in the roads you take...as long as you are true to yourself and doing what feels right in your heart, I will always be proud of you. You are my life my angels my everything and I love you!

"My wish for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to...your dreams stay big your worries stay small you never nees to carry more than you can hold...and while youre out there gettin where youre gettin to, I hope you know somebody loves you...yeah this...is my wish..."

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