My hearts so heavy, have so much to say...so much I wanna get off my chest, but my mind tells me to keep it in. Maybe its fear of losing more friends? Although I know deep down real friends will know and understand my feelings are just that, feelings...and not something that should end the world. I cant be blamed for how I feel. I will not be asked to change my feelings and Ill never apologize for how I feel. I do everything within my power to be honest upfront & trustworthy. A good friend. I cherish the friendships/bonds Ive been able to create with those currently in my life. Im thankful for the people who have stood by me through the years showing me unconditional love and support. I may not say it often enough, but its appreciated and Id be lost without it.
Ive spent many nights thinking on the people who have walked out of my life, wondering what I could have done to keep them from leaving. Only to realize nothing would have changed. In their heart they did what they felt was right. I cant blame them for that...but still I cant help but be a little sad. I cant help but feel a little shitty that I was tossed to the side so quickly, not giving a second thought to anything we had been through as "Friends". If you can even call it that. I try to not let that kind of stuff affect me. As always...my emotions get the best of me.
Ive not said a word that was untrue, I did not make promises that I couldnt keep, and I always found at least a minute or two of every day to say hello and wish them well. I meant every word I said...and even now would come to help if called upon. Thats just who I am. Id like to think if they ever truly knew me...they would know that, and would call on me if they needed. Honestly though, as much as it sucks losing a friend...Id be ok without them. Its apart of life...and Im learning how to live my life in new ways.
I am not broken, I am not stupid, I am not lacking in common sense...I have just chosen to live my life the best way I can for those that matter most. Constantly being told how I should live my life according to the standards of others gets old. Trying to make others realize that I DO know whats best for me is tiring. Ive learned a lot through the last few years of my life. One of the most important things I have learned, is you have to do what is best for YOU! When you are doing whats needed to make YOU happy & healthy you are able to then be there and care for those around you. If it means you build walls, shut out people you once cared about, walk away from unhealthy relationships...you do it. When everything is said and done...its the ones who matter most who are there when the dust settles. Thats all that matters.
"Its alright, Ill be fine...dont worry about this heart of mine. Take your love and hit the road. Theres nothing you can do or say youre gonna break my heart anyway, so just leave the pieces when you go..."
